Those who find something a stumbling block tend to assume everyone else does, too. Often, someone who has at one point found himself in a proverbial ditch finds that he cannot walk too near that side of the road without falling in. But that doesn’t make the road evil. It makes him prone to temptation in that particular area.
Even if he isn’t prone to falling in, he may be so hyper-aware of the danger of the ditch that he panics when anyone gets too close, warning them away from the road altogether. We’ve seen it before, with regard to the “purity movement.” That seems to be the kind of overreaction I’m hearing in Thomas Umstattd, Jr.’s post, Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed.
I believe that post is fundamentally flawed and, as a result, promotes some highly unbiblical thinking. However, it raises some very important points and opens up a discussion that desperately needs to be had. There is a legitimate need to avoid the danger of the ditch! But let’s find out where the ditch actually lies, so we may walk safely along the path instead of diving to “take cover” in the other ditch.
It’s a really long post, with many points, and with many flaws as well as a good deal of call for rational, balanced discussion. So rather than trying to tackle it all at once, I’m going to take it a piece at a time, in a series. (If you want the overview, you can read my novella of a comment on the original post.) In this post, let’s just start with the underlying assumption made:
“Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced.”
“[My grandmother] had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s…”
“A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.”
“Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted.”
In other words: Lots of those who embraced courtship are single or divorced/divorcing. Therefore, courtship is the cause of these folks’ singleness/divorce. Or in other, other words: courtship doesn’t work.
Okay, Let’s Tackle This
First let’s look at the singleness issue. I do not take this lightly. I was single for a very brief time after graduating high school and at the time, it felt like forever. I got just enough of a taste to know that I can’t begin to imagine what those who have been single for 5, 10, 15, 20 or more years wrestle with. I have some dear, sweet family members and friends I ache right along with because of their loneliness, so if something is broken, we need to fix it! But I am not convinced that the evidence (at least, not as presented in Umstattd’s blog post) points to the embracing of courtship as a direct cause.
According to this 2013 article, “The average age of first marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 23 for women and 26 for men in 1990 and 20 and 22 (!) in 1960.” Given that courtship is not remotely close to the norm in this country, I highly doubt it’s the cause for this upward trend. Apart from this general trend toward marrying later, there are other factors that may be at play.
One is what, exactly, individuals are looking for in potential mates. I heard on the radio not long ago about a recent study (sorry; I was listening in the car so couldn’t write it down, but it was done by a big-name university) which showed that one of the most important factors for young men in a potential bride is that she have a high-paying job. So if the option to stay home and raise children is important to a young woman, it seems there’s slim pickin’s.
Of course (at risk of sounding as if people are a commodity), “scarcity” is an issue in more general terms, too. Never mind real, life-changing faith; classic Judeo-Christian values are becoming less and less common in our culture. That means those of us who embrace a certain set of values are getting fewer and farther between. The fewer of us there are, the less likely it is you’ll “bump into” someone in your area who shares those values – and happens to be available and of the opposite gender. (Then figure in personality styles, attraction, etc….) The sheer statistics are less and less promising.
(Perhaps the truly amazing thing is not that so many don’t get married, but that so many do! It’s a good thing for all believers that God is not limited by geography!)
But What About Divorce?
That’s a multifaceted issue, as well. I’d guess that different issues are at play in different situations.
It may be true that some couples who married via courtship were unprepared. That may have been because of the process, or it may have just been happenstance. (I’m sure there’s some of both.) Not everyone gets good marriage preparation, unfortunately. And some may come from families of legitimately controlling men who raised up controlling men and the new generation wanted out. But that’s not necessarily the case when we see a couple who courted getting divorced.
Divorce is much easier to come by now. And our culture is all about embracing the “easy way out.” Many couples in years past may not have been “happily married”; they simply stayed together anyway. Even some in abusive situations may have stuck it out because divorce was frowned upon or hard to come by. (Please note that I am NOT advocating for staying in an abusive situation. I’m just saying we can’t compare sheer numbers from past decades and now, and assume they tell the whole story.)
Ultimately, this is a matter (in the vast majority of instances, anyway) of a problem with our view of marriage, not of how we get there. In many times and cultures, completely arranged marriages have been the norm – and couples make it work. It’s a choice. We just have a culture that embraces ease, personal comfort, and quick fixes rather than hard work and commitment.
But That’s Not All
These unhappy courtship-minded people (referenced in the original post) are only a piece of the picture. The post addresses singles and divorcées among the “courtship” community, and the implied happily married among the “dating” community but, taken alone, this is a lopsided view.
There are, as we mentioned earlier, plenty of singles who are okay with dating. There are those who dated and are now divorced. And there are those who courted and are happily (or at least contentedly – marriage isn’t always sunshine and rainbows!) married. (Less than a month ’til fourteen years, at my house!)
Bottom line: there is not some direct 1:1 correlation between courtship and singleness, courtship and divorce, or dating and marriage, as Umstattd seems to imply.
Part 2: On Authority
Part 3: The Importance of Defining Terms
Part 4: Why “Traditional Dating” Isn’t a Viable Solution
Part 5: Misconceptions, or Concerns That Aren’t (Always) Legitimate Concerns
Part 6: Principles of Courtship
Part 7: Legitimate Concerns
Mr. Umstattd has posted a – much more graciously-toned – follow-up post since the initial one (and since my initial response), adding some clarification. You can read that here.
Thanks Rachel,
I read your “novella” (lol) of an answer along with the 200+ others on the post you are rebutting. I appreciate your view point. The logic of your “it is not a 1:1 ratio” is refreshing. Many studies are misrepresented with the belief of a 1:1 ratio when they are both symptoms of a different factor.
I have a 13 year old daughter plus 5 younger children, and many friends in the same situation. As Christian parents who did not make great choices we are all considering courtship, in the “less-controlling” version, but have very few resources to see what this could really look like.
Please keep rebutting this. We are all hoping to come to a great plan for each of our families, and I don’t think traditional dating in this day & age is the answer AT ALL.
Thank you for your comment, Suzanne! I’ve drafted the rest of this series and it will be 7 (yikes!) posts, all told. We’ll definitely address some of the issues and possible solutions toward the end. 🙂 I think a lot of the “mess” is created by assuming that there’s some one-size-fits-all approach, which is (in my opinion) not true. There are broadly-applicable principles, but every couple’s situation is a little different, so the actual implementation will look a little different for each one. (Even within the same household!)
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for jumping in and tackling this important issue, although I disagree with some of your criticism of Thomas Umstattd’s post.
You make a correct statement about the “scarcity” issue, as you called it. I do think it is a real issue as our culture is very fragmented in terms of values and beliefs. However, I think courting actually increases the scarcity problem by creating more barriers to getting to know people of the opposite sex. Instead of making it easier to casually meet them and getting to know them on a one to one basis, it raises the requirements making it more risky, more costly and therefore a higher emotional investment when you decide you want to “court” someone exclusively.
Also, I don’t think Thomas Umstattd is making a case that there is a “1:1 correlation between courtship and singleness, courtship and divorce, or dating and marriage”. Knowing Thomas personally, I can state with confidence that he’d quickly reject such an overly simplistic perspective. However, Thomas Umstattd is critiquing the problems he sees with courtship and suggesting a different (better?) way of doing things that is very different from courtship or “dating” as we currently see it in our culture. He calls it “Traditional Dating”.
If courtship is a better way of find a spouse, I think we’d see results in the communities that practice it that are significantly different than those of the culture around us. I think it is telling that you argued that the trends seen in courtship communities are seen in our nation as a whole. While I haven’t seen any hard data (regrettably) on whether courtship produces better results, I have my own anecdotal evidence that it doesn’t produce much other than long term singleness. (For full disclosure, I’m not in the same social circle as Thomas, even if we do know each other and some mutual friends.)
I think the discussion of courtship vs. dating vs traditional dating is welcome and needed and we need to be looking for a way that produces more and better marriages and happier singles.
Sincerely,
Stephen
Hi, Stephen; I appreciate your weighing in! I hope you’ll stick around for the rest of the series, as I do intend to tackle a lot of these concerns in much greater detail. The difficulty with anecdotal evidence is that it’s necessarily quite limited based on whose experience we’re looking at. I, for instance, met my husband in a group setting, courted, and am about to celebrate my thirteenth anniversary. My own anecdotal evidence is, therefore, that courtship works. 😉 However, I do know plenty of Christian singles in their late 20’s or 30’s – from both “courtship” and “dating” communities, so I’m well aware that my experience is not everyone’s. I look forward to exploring the issues in greater depth and hope there will be lots of give-and-take among readers when we reach that point of the discussion!
My oldest is only 6, so I currently have no dog in this apparent “fight” 😉 but I will say I see great points being made on both sides. Which leads me to think perhaps this isn’t a case of trying to steer clear of a ditch. Is there really sin in the model of dating as Umstattd describes it? This seems to be more of an issue to be taken to the Lord for each specific child at that specific time of life, not a black-and-white, line-in-the-sand type issue. We can all respect that our walk with the Lord might not look like someone else’s, right? We don’t need to divide against one another. 🙂
I do have some serious concerns with his model, in relation to biblical principles. Are they clear-cut black-and-white? Perhaps not and therefore, you’re right, require an extra measure of grace. But we have to be careful to have weighed the Bible’s teaching first and arrived at our methods from an understanding that they’re the most pleasing-to-God way that we can live our lives, rather than diving into something out of sheer reaction to someone else’s having (in our estimation) gotten it wrong. Yes, on either “side.”
I also courted and have been happily married for nearly 11 years now, but on the whole I found the article had a lot to recommend it. No, I don’t think there’s a 1:1 correspondence (I don’t think the original article really asserts that), but I do think courtship failed to do what it was advertised to do and completely overlooked the real problem in our society: the increasing avoidance of commitment.
The situations I know of where courtship “worked” (in the sense that the people involved are happily married a number of years later) all involved a setting where the people had an opportunity to get to know a number of people of the opposite sex in a casual way in various settings and develop friendships out of that. In other words, a situation rather similar to the traditional dating described in the original article–with the unfortunate difference that in courtship settings it had to be done while concealing the fact, often even from ourselves, that we were looking for potential spouses. However, at least that I have seen, courtship materials seldom if ever acknowledge the need for such opportunities, but seem to operate on the assumption that marriage choices can be made based on checklists or direct divine revelation. Even where friendship is acknowledged as good, the cautions about “guarding your heart” easily create paranoia about getting to know members of the opposite sex very well at all.
As my husband and I look back, what was good and lasting in our relationship came from the friendship we developed informally before courtship. Courtship added a stiltedness to our relationship that was not in any way helpful.
Another thing that courtship tended to fail at was an acknowledgment of the different ages and stages of life. (I think the original article also failed at that, but that may have been a matter of a more limited audience being intended.) A level of parental involvement that may be helpful for a teenager is irrelevant to an independent adult–but courtship materials do not draw that distinction, nor do they often suggest that there is such a thing as too much parental involvement. Well, there is, and for fully independent adults, I daresay the amount is “any that is not specifically requested.”
Hi Rachel,
I found your article through reading the Thomas Umstattd’s post, along with the many interesting and insightful comments connected to it. I especially liked Josh’s take, below the one you posted about focusing on method instead of the purpose behind courtship.
It’s been 28 years since I chose to wait on our Father in Heaven for a spouse. This was a good ten or more years before Joshua Harris wrote his book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” I had several good reasons for making this life-changing decision in 1986 – I was fatherless, and had also personally witnessed two different church youth group events that were dating/promiscuous/sex-focused.
I do not regret my decision to wait upon the LORD for many reasons, even though there have been times over the passing years I’ve been greatly disappointed and grieved over my continued unmarried, childless position.
Yet, I vividly remember how I sensed the Holy Spirit’s assent at the time I decided, and again six years later while reading Derek Prince’s book, “God is a Matchmaker.” Derek points out God is more interested in who we marry than WE are.
God is not dead. He is as able to change the times and seasons in our lives as He ever was. He is able to bring to us, or bring us to the people we need to meet to cause us to grow, to bear good fruit.
While marriage holds much value to the Body of Christ, we must be willing to let Him use us in the way He desires.
My mom always encouraged my sisters and me to seek Yah’s will for our life, and if this included a husband, He would bring that man at the right time. Seeking to bless others and use my gifts and talents has brought me much joy. I have learned that self-pity is not the road I am to take and there is a lot of joy in my heart for where I’ve been led to be, as a woman, a believer in Christ, as a fruitful part of His vine.
I did not say I wouldn’t have friends when I said I would not date, but living in an area of the county where the average age is above 60 has not made finding unmarried Christian friends near my age (male OR female) easy.
The concept of waiting on the LORD in courtship is good, even if many who do so are remaining unmarried. It is our faith that is being tested. Some I know have waited and then caved – in their late twenties or after turning forty. Desperation and impatience says to me the focus is on ourselves, not Christ. We need the encouragement of the Body. We need acceptance not rejection as unmarried servants.
I don’t condemn or look askance on people who decide to date, that is their decision in the sight of God. For me, I continue to believe my life can be a good example in a culture that has changed drastically since the early part of the 20th century. Don Raunikar’s book, “Choosing God’s Best” gives a very good overview of the statistics and history behind why DATING was seen to be “fatally flawed” just a few short years ago.
Having their children enter a healthy, long-term marriage seems to be the goal of many home educating parents. Of course desiring a spouse and family is a God-given, good desire. And yet, due to dating and the free-love movement, many are now the products of broken homes. This has greatly affected our present day culture’s ability to commit. We live in a day of convenience, of avoiding pain. We are failing to communicate to the heart. We’ve lost the art of conversation. All of these factor into why parenting and the fruit of some marriages (dating or courtship based) is falling short of the healthy, long-term ideal…but lessons are hopefully being learned through hard times.
One may not understand what Yah does in our lives, but we can trust He desires our best. Looking back, I see many reasons why I have needed to remain unmarried, why it is GOOD. And I do not believe I have ever been “single” for I never walk alone – the Holy Spirit is with me always!
Though the vision tarry, wait for it. Trust and pray. Be faithful in little things. Serve. Love Yah and others with all your soul, mind and strength! Rejoice in the gift of life within Christ’s precious Body!
Thank you for promptly responding to what has been proven to be a “very active” discussion in response to the posting of the “Courtship is a Flawed Concept” article by Thomas. I personally found his article to be quite judgmental and a bit arrogant, lacking in what I believe to be enough experience to make such strongly held statements, yet understanding that he did raise some excellent points for the discussion that has resulted.
His writing raises many questions in my mind regarding what he has personally experienced firsthand, his current marital status, his theological beliefs, and his adherence to and trust in God’s written Word. Am I alone in seeming to have missed any discussion about his parents in the article, rather only his grandparents? I’m not sure I buy his “Grand Generation” idea, since that would have been my parent’s generation that he is addressing. He makes some huge assumptions from his experience, that in my opinion just will not hold up under simple logic, scrutiny, and fact checking.
As a father who has struggled through all of this, I found it somewhat insulting that he would lump me into such a generic “category of failure” to act as he thinks I should. I understand his desire to share his opinion, and turn things around that he feels are wrong in society, but I think he clearly missed the mark by a long way in using such a broad brush of indictment against something that some we have struggled to seriously think through longer than he has been alive. I wonder how he might view his current position, years from now, after raising children to adulthood and being able to observe not only one’s own parenting choices, but also observe one’s adult children’s marriages and parenting skills. It kind of reminds me of a single person, or a couple with no children, writing a book about parenting. We have so many experts these days that write things, and sadly audiences often are ill- equipped to sort through it all and make good decisions about what is good advice and what is not.
Would it be possible at some point for you to attempt to address the issue of biblical “headship”, your thoughts about a father’s responsibility in carrying out this ongoing role with daughters, until they are married and under their husband’s headship? This concept, on rare occasion, is addressed in the “courtship” discussions of this type, but very seldom does there seem to be any solid conclusion” offered that works for either fathers or daughters. The emphasis seems to center around whether the Bible addresses it or if it doesn’t….and then lots of opinions about its applicability or application in today’s world.
My opinion from reading various blogs related to this subject, is that today female daughters (and some mothers too) openly tend to be “offended” that a father desires to maintain this “umbrella of headship”, and seem to take the position that it cannot be defended as a “biblical responsibility”. Where might this thinking get its impetus? Is it fallout from the rebellion to the word “submission”? Is it a result of “feminist” influence over several decades?
There are father’s, who like myself believe and are led to the conviction that it a “biblical practice/precept to follow”, and additionally believe that we are/will “be responsible to God in answering for” how well we did in carrying out that principle. We have chosen to assume it as our biblical role, and faithfully act upon that responsibility, until the point where we give/pass/transfer that same responsibility to another man (her husband).
As a father, married for almost 40 years, I have come to a strong belief that following this approach provides for a more “seamless” and “logical” approach for a daughter to remain under that protective umbrella throughout all of her life, as opposed to jumping “out from under” for a short while, and then being comfortable with, feeling right and good and safe, climbing back under that “umbrella” once married.
We find the use of words like “independence” and “interdependence” as being a positive thing, and tend to label “dependence” a bad thing for adult daughters (and wives). The statement that often follows is something along the line of “a daughter or wife” being “able to provide for herself on her own, should her husband leave her or die”. But is this what God intended, or did He lay out a much better plan?
I think it an important for parents (and children) to openly discuss the concept of the role of the father, with regards to guidance, protection, and “covering and authority “as scripture describes, then too, the whole concept of a father” giving his daughter away to a husband at her wedding. I would also like to see a format where it could be openly and freely discussed in churches and Christian circles. Might you have any history or information to offer your audience regarding the “origin of this language” that we use at wedding ceremonies, (Who gives this daughter to be married to this man)?
In more recent years, my wife and I have observed that society has so willingly adopted the language of “both father and mother giving the daughter away”. Question: From where did this language become the “norm”? If this practice has validity or some true practical meaning, what is it that within the language of scripture, that the “mother” is “giving away”? I clearly understand what my wife’s father gave me…but my wife’s mother never, in my understanding, gave anything to me in a biblical sense. My wife has very much remained that daughter she always was, though yes the physically interaction and sharing may have changed a bit. As a father, I clearly understand (and publicly relayed to those who witnessed my daughter’s wedding ceremony) what I gave my daughter’s husband… authoritatively, protective, physically and spiritually, but I can’t find anything that my wife, verbal or otherwise gave to her son-in-law. My wife and daughter still have a very close relationship that did not change a whole lot once married, other than 100% respect for the opinion, leadership, and deference of her husband.
Thank you.
Hi, Dave, Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! You’ve raised a lot of excellent points here, and I’m not sure I can hit them all here in the comments. I feel as though I should be asking these questions of you, though!
You are not the only one to have noticed any absence of mention of Thomas’s parents in the original article. In fact, I noted that in part two of this series, which is now available. (Find part 2 here.)
It is my firm belief that our attitudes and heart motives for doing things contribute heavily to the messages our children ultimately perceive. I never felt my daddy was “controlling” me. The message I heard was, “I love you so much, you are so precious, I value you so highly, that I will do everything in my power to take care of you to the best of my ability until I can hand that task over to someone I trust to accomplish it just as fervently.” My dad never said that, in so many words, but that’s what I heard. Who could possibly be offended by that?!
I have plans to talk a little bit about the father-daughter relationship (because, yes, I do believe the Bible speaks to that) later in the series, but I will give some more thought to the specific questions you’ve raised and see if I can address them more fully later, as well.
Dave, I am a 24 year old woman who lives in a different town from my parents, not to mention a different house. I have a job and pay my own bills, and your telling me that my father should still be able to tell me whether I can date someone or not? That’s rich.
Whitney, the whole concept of courtship presupposes a loving father and healthy father-daughter relationship in a household of “matched” beliefs (typically, Christian dad and Christian daughter.) In that scenario, a wise daughter recognizes her own propensity to “miss the forest for the trees” (not because there’s anything wrong with her, but just because that’s a typical human propensity when our emotions are involved) and wants that input from her dad – who knows her better than just about anyone else in the world, loves her, and wants what’s best for her – about whether a guy seems like a “good bet” or not.
It’s not about dad “putting down his foot” from another city. It’s about a mutually-desired synergy that will help protect a daughter physically and emotionally and ultimately help her land with the right man. When a daughter reaches adulthood, if the courtship mindset is not mutual, it’s not going to work, regardless of what Dad does. But there’s an errant belief here that all of the women are just getting stuck with this, by power-hungry men, and that’s simply not true. A loving, involved daddy ultimately wants his “little girl” to end up with a loving, fabulous husband – which is exactly the same thing she wants (assuming she intends/hopes to marry).
As a woman, I find your stance on headship absolutely disgusting. I am completely on board with the man being head of the household and being in charge for the spiritual well being of every member of the household, but having my father tell me who I can and can’t date/marry? That is complete and utter insanity. I fully believe that God led my husband into my life at a time when I needed him the most, not because of anything that my father did or didn’t do. We dated, yes dated, for two years, were engaged for two years, and have now been happily married for 3.5 years.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t feel that my dad was in any way “controlling.” Those who look back and believe they’ve made a huge mistake because they were blinded by youthful passion may feel very differently than you do.
I feel sorry for the kids of Dave and anyone who thinks a grown woman should be looked after all her life. I think double standards is one reason we have such problems in society.If you are going to follow this route, then maybe fathers focus more on their sons. Furthermore, the author is addressing legal adults still single in their late 20s because of these teachings. As adults, I don feel we always have to seek advice from elders if they instill knowledge in us.These teachings are what makes dependent 25 yr olds with a 13 year old mind. If i had kids, I would not want them to be dependent on me their whole adult life. I wish i had more independence as a young adult..
I agree with you A. Roddy. I got my first job when I was 16 and started paying for my own things such as car, cell phone, clothes, etc. My parents put the roof over my head and food on the table but other than that I became independent from a young age. I lived at home my first two years of college simply due to financial reasons and proximity to school. During that time they had no say over my curfew, how much time I spent with my fiance, or anything to that extent. Now at age 23 I have one degree under my belt and am in the process of completing another. I have a full time job and actually earn more than my husband. If my husband were to die today, I would be able to continue living independently. I wouldn’t have to go running home to mom and dad.
Same here. Moved out at 18.
I’m so glad a woman has taken the time to speak on some of these points. I think it is critical we get a reaction to “Why Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawed” from a female perspective. Men and women experience dating/courtship so very differently.
The tone of Mr. Umstattd Jr. is one of a somewhat jaded single male who has been very frustrated in his dating/courting life and has come to the realization his problem is his method (this may or may not be the case, I have no idea). His article comes across as very self serving to the male perspective and somewhere between angry and bargaining on the stages of loss and grief scale.
I have grown up in the homeschool community and while many of my male friends I grew up with in that community have gone on to have happy and unhappy marriages, there is a small faction of them that are reaching their late twenties/early thirties who are single and jaded. For these guys their singleness has created a self-destructive tendency to be angry at their current plight and destroyed their self-esteem. Instead of being encouraged to make positive changes they have settled with being angry. They are wholly unattractive because of it. Not saying this is necessarily the norm or even common, it’s just my experience.
It was one of these friends that posted Umstattd’s article and did so with particular emphasis on this line:
“If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.”
Speaking from a male perspective this is colossally bad advice for girls and women. It’s the kind of advice that guys take to heart and then use it to become angry when girls turn them down. Or worse, women take it to heart and open the door for a guy they truly have no desire to date, then feel too badly for the guy to turn him down and continue in a dating relationship they have no business being in. This is a story I have seen play out far too many times and is usually devastating for the man when the truth comes out. That creates relationally damaged males. Isn’t it so true that sometimes the most well meaning things can cause the most damage.
In the end, shouldn’t the emphasis be not on finding the Mr. or Mrs. Right but being that person for someone else? If we truly believe that God has a plan for our spouse it should liberate us to make ourselves the best versions of us we can be. It’s amazing how when someone does that they suddenly become attractive.
I look forward to reading your finished work!
Steve,
I couldn’t agree more. He speaks of young men who have been shot down 12 times in a row – by rejection #12, I would start to wonder if perhaps I’m missing something. And I would certainly sit down with one of these dads and find out just exactly what is wrong. (In the big world of dating, you don’t get to find out why you got rejected! You just get a “no, I’m busy then” and you’re on your own to figure out what you need to change.)
I know my fair share of these men in their late 20s / 30s, and they do indeed exhibit the attitude you describe. Most of them would do well to get off the Internet and blogs about courtship/dating, turn off their TV, go to the gym, find a sport to play, and ask someone they know will be honest to critique their fashion.
Courtship isn’t the problem here; it’s part of the solution. Most of these disastrous courtships seem to involve long distance, an obviously controlling, overbearing family on one end (and where’s the other person’s family warning t hem about this? Usually being ignored!), and one or two young people with an idolisation of marriage and an obsession with not giving up on something that is NOT a marriage convenant…
… which they eventually give up on years down the road, with all manner of excuses for why it’s OK.
For point of reference: I had a failed 1 year courtship, and I’m not interested in assigning blame to anyone else for its failure. I’ve also dated around plenty, both casual, serious, and leading to marriage, and anyone who thinks Western-style dating is easier or has less heartbreak simply doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
Hi Rachel!
Thanks for tackling this topic! I can’t wait to read the rest of the series! I agree that the model of courtship is not, in and of itself, flawed – any more than the model of marriage or the Church is flawed. Sinful human beings in relationships create a perfect storm for “failed” relationships, especially apart from the redeeming work of Christ.
My husband and I met and began courting 5 months later. Seven months later we were engaged. Five months after that we were married. Thirteen months after that we discovered we were pregnant with triplets. Seven months after that we brought them into this world. Nearly three years later we have been through the ringer. We celebrate five years of marriage in February.
🙂
Wow; that’s a whirlwind!
Wow Rachel,
I didn’t even know you existed until clicking your pingback on the FB post “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”. I recently just finished my last post called “Courtship Defended” (on my blog maidarise.blogspot.com) which is a response to Umstadd Jr.s post. After reading your post and all the comments, I feel so overjoyed to realize there are others out there that are taking a stand as well. Thank you for tackling this topic.
Although you make a few excellent points, you still have not tackled how courtship is much like a marriage proposal. Folks back then did not court, they dated, the why Umstadd states that his grandmother did. Clearly the method worked because it avoided physical contact and therefore emotional attachment. I do not see how you could disagree with that. I would also like to point out that Umstadd is simply stating his opinion and providing evidence as to why he believes as he does. The way you inveigh him is rather petulant and hackneyed. I understand that you are also defending your beliefs and that’s great but your attempt to expostulate failed. There were also many grammatical errors in your article. Although I do exhort you to continue defending your beliefs, I also advise you to try to ingratiate (you did not in this article) and avoid sounding like an interloper.
You’re right about the typos. There are a ton of them and I desperately need to go back and proofread again. Thank you for the reminder!
I don’t disagree with Umstattd’s description of what his grandmother did. Where I begin to have concerns is where he failed to make an accurate distinction between two very different models which happen to share a name (1930’s- or 1950’s-style “dating” and modern “dating”).
You’re welcome to disagree with me, of course. 🙂
Why are you promoting this? Do you have any idea how much damage this movement has done to my life? I am fine with the values behind it, but it took it way too far and threw the baby out with the bathwater as a result. I loved someone back when I was in high school and early college, but was not allowed to date because of these books. Inevitably it fell apart as I was never allowed to pursue it, and smashed my heart in the process. This created emotional problems for dealing with life later. I am not attracted to girls easily either. I am now thirty and single and still reeling from the damage this has caused. The sad part was that I was never the type to party, disrespect women, or treat relationships trivially anyway. There was absolutely no reason for what happened. The worst of it is that it damaged my relationship with God as well. I have since been able to disentangle blind phariseeism from God, but it has a deep subconscious effect on me now, such that I have a very hard time not seeing God as a cruel monster. Why are you defending this insanity?
J, I am very sorry you were hurt by extremism. If you can say, “I am fine with the values behind it, but it took it way too far,” and then ask me, “Why are you defending this insanity?” I don’t think you read my post(s) very closely. I haven’t defended an extreme approach — I think that’s wrong. What I’ve done is point out that it isn’t fair or beneficial to judge those using a balanced approach, based on those who have, as you put it, “[taken] it way too far.”
Parents who know their children’s strengths and weaknesses are necessary and integral to a reasonable application of courtship principles. When parents attempt to reduce things to a “formula” and apply it blindly, it rarely works out well.
Fair enough. Thank you. Perhaps it is very easy for me to react to this at this point, and read the worst into it. Please pray for me though. I ended up cursing God day and night for years as a result of this. I HATED God as a result. Things have changed recently that both helped me get back to God to a degree, open doors and produce signs from God about marriage. Though I am still struggling immensely from doubts about God being good, and trying to put the broken pieces of my life back together. It’s not easy at all.
J i feel your pain. As a woman when men don’t ask we feel unloved and unwanted .