My poor husband. He had to deal with me having a major breakdown yesterday, over something I’ve struggled with for a while. I’ve debated whether to post about this in the past, and have, until now, decided not to — not because I’m too embarrassed or proud to admit that I struggle with it, but because its nature is such that I’ve been concerned about giving the world an easy opening to say, “See, I told you God’s way doesn’t work.” But, you know, maybe somebody just needs to say it, because surely I can’t be the only one. So, here goes…
I don’t like my job. I want to, but I don’t.
When the world says that being a homemaker is “not fulfilling,” they’re right — at least partially. (See, this is the part that makes me nervous to post.) It isn’t fulfilling to do something one is not good at. So, while homemaking can be very fulfilling for those who are well-fitted to the role, it is not fulfilling for all of us — at least not for a while. But that really isn’t the point.
Homemaking isn't fulfilling for all of us, but that really isn't the point. Share on XI’m not a homemaker because it’s “fulfilling”; I’m a homemaker because it’s right. I absolutely, positively, believe 100% that this is what God has called me to do. Titus 2 says that older women are to teach younger women to be homemakers, so that God’s Word is not blasphemed. We are not just to do some homemaking, we are to be homemakers. That is, our homes and our formation of them should define us. That does not exclude ever doing anything outside of the four walls of our house, but it does exclude making our primary role something else. (Please consider as you read this that I do not have to work. My husband pays our bills. If you are the breadwinner because you’re all there is in your house, then obviously you do what you need to do to feed yourself and your little ones!)
Paul’s instructions for what criteria to use to determine who is a “widow indeed” gives us a pretty clear picture of what a godly woman is expected to do with her life. In summary, we should run our homes, raise our children, and provide the hospitality and service that only a home/household can effectively provide.
I feel (notice: “feel”) like we as women are limited. Men are to provide for their families, but there are hundreds, if not thousands, of different ways to do that. Women — all of us — are to keep our homes, raise our children, and provide hospitality.
And I’m not good at those things. I can clean, and I can cook. But on the same day? That’s a struggle. Then you throw my children into the mix and I’m a real mess. Apparently, I’m not capable of training my children and… (Go ahead and fill in the blank with any other household task. …and cleaning. …and keeping a tidy house. …and cooking. Whatever. Any of them fit.)
Anyway, my point here is not a pity party. The point is honesty. I cannot be the only one who struggles. But as Christians, we can’t encourage and help one another if we don’t know what the struggles are. And we sure can’t help other women to do the right thing if we’re pretending it’s the easy thing. For me, this is not the easy thing; it’s the hard thing. But it’s the right thing. How many Christian women are holding outside jobs at least in part because, as the Church, we don’t have any kind of support network for those who are “not cut out for” homemaking, so they’re either scared to try or have given up? We need to take care of each other: to appreciate one another, to help each other, to encourage each other, and we can only do that if we’re really honest.
So there you go. Here’s me, in all my ugly transparency.
(And with much trepidation I will hit “post.”)
I could see the struggles both ways. I do work and for a long time period, I was a single mom so I had to work. Throughout the years, I have enjoyed the fruits of my labor but I also missed out on a lot with my oldest. I missed out on a lot with my middle one as a todller. About four year’s ago, I was able to telecommute so I have the best of both words in that I get to stay at home and work but I’m still hindered as I do have to work and I do have stress associated with work. Often times, I’m so extremely jealous of those that get to stay at home. Granted, I have to work because we became materialistic but we are working on getting out of debt so I can be at home. I completely agree that being a homemaker is not for all nor should it be looked upon if you do not want or choose that path. For those that want it and can, kudos as I’m jealous! For those that wish to work, kudos to you too! I, myself, would LOVE to be a full time homemaker and can’t wait to realize it. I sympathize 100% as I hate my job too!
Kudos to you for being able to admit it! I love being able to stay home, and be with my kids, but there are days that I just want to run away…far, far away! I can’t seem to get a handle on the clutter and it gets overwhelming! Thanks for allowing me to be okay with that! Your post really encouraged me!
This is the first time I’ve seen your site, and I am so glad glad glad to hear your honesty. I am a ‘homemaker.’ And I’m just not very good at it yet!!! I am learning and trying to do better. There are days when I get the laundry done, the dishes washed, the schooling done and even some one on one with the Lord. And then there are days where I start one task and my kids start fighting, or jumping on the furniture, or the phone rings, or the stove top isn’t working and the dinner has been sitting there NOT cooking for 30 mins, and the whole entire day passes with me feeling like I have not accomplished ANYTHING.
I love my husband, and I love my kids. I love to cook. I hate to clean and am trying to learn how to do it right and efficiently. I so desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and sometimes that seems like an impossible task.
It helps to know that there are others who struggle with these feelings, still knowing and desiring to continue working to build our homes and families.
So for me, your honesty is beautiful.
I stumbled across your blog today from another blog and I just have to say that I appreciate your honesty. I have for the most part of the past 6 months wondered if I was cut out for this homemaking stuff. I am a mother of 4(10yrs-3yrs) and I have been a home with my children since they were born( with the exception finishing some college when my daughter was born with medical problems and I was just sure I would have to work to help pay for her medical expenses*** however god has provided and that has not been necessary)I rarely ever comment anywhere but I feel compelled to say THANK YOU! I agree with your last few sentences of this blog most importantly. I have alot of wonderful christian girl friends that also homeschool and are homemakers but they never, ever, ever act as if they struggle with any or all of their duties and it makes me feel very inadequate therefore I feel like I cant admit to them that sometimes I am not so happy or fulfilled every day all day. I wish I had someone that I felt like I could tell I STRUGGLE. I Love my children and my husband and like you I know 100% that i am doing the RIGHT thing but I do struggle and I am pretty sure that most Homemakers do also but do not feel that they can admit it for fear of judgement. My husband is awesome and does not make me feel like I am failing when I am not at my best with my duties so this helps so much.We are not perfect and our life is not perfect and I also realize that no matter how many different ways my husband CAN provide for us that he is not always fulfilled either but he does his job/duties because it is the RIGHT thing to do for our family.
PS…… YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY CHRISTIAN HOMEMAKER THAT STRUGGLES
Wow. I should have popped on and read this yesterday because this is EXACTLY how I was feeling. Rachel, thank you for your honesty! It really is hard to share this kind of thing and I’m so glad you felt that you were able to share this. There’s no shame in being open about struggles like this… at least I don’t think so! As was said, how can we lift one another up and offer support if we don’t know what our sisters in Christ are having trouble with?
I’m a full-time homemaker too, and while I also do work outside the home (volunteering at the Aquarium and working as a commissioned illustrator and artist)… being a homemaker is my calling. Luckily, like you, I don’t HAVE to work outside the home and my husband can provide for our family. I always knew that I wanted to be a wife, mother, and caregiver and felt that it was what God wanted for me, even before reading the verses in Titus that directly speak about this. But it’s NOT easy. Any woman (or man!) who says that running a household isn’t “really a job” ought to spend a week trying to do what we do! And there are days that it’s simply impossible to get it done.
As a new mom I can say that my daughter is “the toughest boss I’ve ever had”. I don’t get vacations. I don’t get sick leave. I don’t always get a full night’s sleep. Some days even getting a bathroom break seems like I’m asking too much! And add to that the need to clean, prepare meals, do laundry, make the grocery lists, meet my husband’s needs, etc. etc. etc. Well, it’s no wonder that there are days (like my day yesterday!) where I wonder if I’m cut out for it, or if ANYONE is cut out for it. I doubt that there’s anyone out there that can say they’ve never felt discouraged or like they aren’t good at being a Christian homemaker. Some days, just a little word of uplifting, comfort or encouragement is needed.
Monday, my Bible study led me to this verse:
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.” – Isaiah 66:13 (NIV)
On those days that I feel like I’m at my lowest and that I’m falling short of my duties, I just have to remind myself that even if the laundry is piling up, dishes didn’t get done, or I STILL didn’t get the pots of dead seasonal plants off the front porch… I’m doing the most important things… and as I’m being there for my daughter (and husband), God is there for me!
Rachel,
I am thinking about this…I struggle, too. I tend to do lessons-laundry-meals okay, but I run into difficulty with general housekeeping/cleanliness. I can’t seem to consistently integrate the latter into the former, and it is frustrating to me, and there have been many days in the past where I have beat myself up and/or felt like a complete failure over it.
One of the ways that I have made this all work better is to have Saturday mornings set aside for cleaning, and since there are no lessons, this works well…until I run into what I have run into the last six weeks, where I have been mostly sick and weekends have consisted of my attempts to recover so that I can do the weekdays well. Of course, part of this is just a season, however, it does not change the fact that there are things UNDONE around here…
With that said…
Here are some things I have been thinking about myself (because one of the reasons why the cleanliness is what I let slide is because I do not particularly like it nor feel like I am good at it):
1. I think that I can grow to love certain tasks in proportion to their worth. I think that, generally, my lack of affection for these things is a lack or gap in my own character. I have begun, just these last couple days, to pray that God will not only grow me in the necessary skills, but in the affection for doing these things.
2. Things are better when I expect more of my children. Generally, and according to their ability, unless they are a toddler, they should clean up after themselves. Sometimes I get underwater because I am not expecting them to do things they should be doing. I have one child that is particularly prone to laziness, and we ALL feel stress in regard to this child because we have to WAIT for this child…or do the work ourselves, even though it was assigned to this child. So I guess I have some child training to do.
3. Life with toddlers is different from life without toddlers, and I will probably be surprised how much easier things are in two or three years.
4. Practice will improve my skills, so I when I fall off the horse, I should just get back on.
Just a few thoughts from me. I really, really appreciate that you are not RUNNING from something just because you are not good at it. This is HUGE, and I really, truly believe you will reap rewards for such courage. Our entire culture is built on self-indulgence, and the fact that you are willing to do the hard thing because it is Right and you love what is Right makes me thankful to God.
Thank you all for your encouragement and insights! I truly appreciate every single one.
Brandy, it is a wonderful idea to pray for affection for those tasks we don’t so much enjoy. (I just heard a friend the other day mention having prayed for an affection for her children. That sort of thing just never occurs to me.)