I’ve read a lot of child training books over the years.  I always stuck with Christian ones, because the secular ones can have quite a propensity for psychobabble.  But the sad fact is that many of the Christian books are pretty much the same.  There may not be anything wrong with them, but they’re pretty narrow in scope, and all cover the same narrow scope.

So when Sophia became such a challenge, I decided to expand my range.  I bought/checked out a bunch of secular child training books – many specifically about strong-willed children – and figured I could probably glean something from most of them, even if they weren’t any good overall.

Well, with the sheer number of them and with the rest of life intervening, it’s taken me a long time to get to reading them all.  (Or most of them, anyway.)  But a couple of the most recent ones have had some very helpful insights.

Relational Parenting

Okay, as it turns out, this one is a Christian book.  (I assume.  It’s put out by Moody.)  But I’d never heard of it before.  Relational Parenting, by Ross Campbell, M.D., had a lot of helpful things to say.  Most of the really good stuff (at least for my needs) was summarized, though, in chapter 4.  The chapter is about “training and discipline,” yet the really compelling thing about it is that it actually puts discipline into context.  Many Christian child-training books are criticized for being “too harsh,” when I suspect that the real problem is that they only show one little piece of the puzzle.  Even while dealing with that one piece of the puzzle, though, Dr. Campbell puts it into context.

“…punishment is a type of discipline, but the most negative type.  And punishment should be only a small part of discipline….the parent/child relationship has become primarily negative….Guiding a child toward right is far superior to punishing a child for wrong action.”

“When a child misbehaves, there is always a need to be met.  We need to ask, ‘What does my child need?'”

(Campbell goes on to point out that sometimes the need will be met with punishment, but not usually.)  If the “love tank is empty,” for instance, then all the punishment in the world will not correct the behavior.  You have fill the love tank first.  (Often, this won’t be the only thing needed, but it must be included.)

The most helpful thing I picked up from this book was five ways to direct/train a child’s behavior:

• Requests
• Commands
• Gentle Physical Manipulation (for instance, taking a child by the hand and bringing him to you)
• Punishment (This would include time outs, revocation of privileges – anything that is a type of  “payment” for an offense – it’s not just spanking.)
• Behavior Modification (which the author suggests should be used quite sparingly, but is useful in specific types of situations)

You would, of course, have to read the whole book to put this entirely into context, but this was the most useful thing I got from it.

Parenting by Heart

Parenting by Heart, by Ron Taffel, Ph. D., is another one I read recently.  The most helpful thing I took away from this book was three different ways of interacting with children.  In my mind, I see them as somewhat “positional,” and there is one that dominates at each stage of development (‘though there is some shifting and juggling and overlap at each stage).  Dr. Taffel calls these:

• Parent Protector (I see this as standing somewhat over your child.)  Dominant in the very early years, this is when you function primarily in the role of making your child feel safe and secure.
• Parent Chum  (I don’t like this term, as it sounds like the whole “be your child’s friend, not his parent” thing.  But it’s not, in the book’s context.  It simply has to do with interacting with your child side-by-side, such as when you have a conversation while folding laundry.)  This is dominant in the middle years.
• Parent Realist (I see this as somewhat at the end of an imaginary leash your child is on.)  Dominant in the teen years, this is when you’re – carefully and with oversight – letting go to let the child test the waters on his own.

These descriptions are way oversimplified, as there is a lot of discussion and illustration in the book, but the summary is helpful to me as a reminder.  (These also can, potentially, help answer the question, “What does my child need?” Does she need a Parent Protector, a Parent Chum, or a Parent Realist?)

Have you read anything good on this topic lately?