We’ve spent four posts looking at things “experts” tell us not to say to our children, where I believe they’ve neglected context or are just plain wrong.  But in this last post, I’d like to consider some things they tell us not to say to our kids that are generally good advice.  In most cases, “never” is still an awfully strong term, but there are decidedly better alternatives.

Wait until _____ finds out!

Is there any way for this to not be a threat?  There are similar statements that may serve a purpose.  For instance, “We’ll talk about this when Daddy comes home.”  But I can’t see any way for “Wait until _____ finds out” to be anything other than a threat.  (If you can think of a scenario where it would serve an edifying purpose, I’m willing to hear otherwise.)

We can’t afford it.

There are two parts to the objections regarding this phrase.  1) It instills a sense of fear in a child, because he wonders if his needs will be met.  2) It’s usually not 100% accurate, as we usually have money, it is just budgeted for something else.

Philosophically, I disagree with #1.  It is reality that funds are not unlimited.  To try to pretend otherwise is not beneficial for children.  Given my perspective, I don’t think “we can’t afford it” is a bad statement to make.  However, I believe that #2 is true, so I think other phrases are better.

It is generally more precise to tell our children that “it’s not in the budget,” than that “we can’t afford it.”  That also subtly conveys the concept of budgets.  But “we can’t afford it” is still practically true, if all funds are budgeted elsewhere.

As with the diet statement in the last post, I think the overall attitude toward money, budgeting, and provision is what will make the biggest difference to a child.

Don’t talk to strangers.

This one may come as a surprise to some readers.  After all, we’ve been trained to tell our children this to keep them safe.  But if you really stop and think about it, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.  The majority of child molesters and abductors are not strangers to the children they prey on; they’re family, neighbors, etc.

Meanwhile, the majority of strangers aren’t a threat to our children.  (This is especially true given that most of the strangers our children encounter, they encounter while with us or other trustworthy adults, at least until they’re a bit older.)  So, really, this advice (“don’t talk to strangers”) is so overly simplistic as to be meaningless.

We need to teach our children to be wary; this just isn’t a particularly helpful way to do it.

(For a good read to get you thinking on this topic, check out Tricky People are the New Strangers.  I may not agree with every detail, and it takes an absolute tone about what people “don’t intend” that doesn’t account for the love of God within the family of believers, but in general I found it to be a useful line of thinking.)