I have been amazed at how many wonderful older women recommend Fascinating Womanhood. After seeing it once again recommended yesterday, I felt compelled to write a review of this dangerously unbiblical book.
For some unfathomable reason, dozens of godly older ladies promote this Mormon-authored book as full of biblically sound advice. Although the fact that the author is a Mormon does not necessarily mean that there cannot be any good content in the book, it should cause us to be especially watchful as we read, and to weigh her words very carefully against Scripture. In doing so, I find her advice to be anti-biblical, and not even subtly so. She encourages silliness (in the sense of foolishness, not playfulness) rather than the sobriety demanded by Scripture. She teaches a full method of manipulation. And her entire focus is “me, me, me” — how to get what I want.
The best way I know of to demonstrate this is to pull out actual excerpts from the book and measure them against the plumb line of Scripture.
What Does Fascinating Womanhood Really Teach?
To begin with, let’s take a look at the introduction and chapter one. (Please note that, while I am not quoting everything, I am not pulling anything out of context. If you wish to check up on me, feel free.)
To be loved and cherished is a woman’s heartfelt desire in marriage. This book is written to restore your hope in the fulfillment of this desire – and to suggest principles which you can apply in winning a man’s genuine love.
This is the very first paragraph in the book. While there is nothing inherently wrong with being loved and cherished, this sentence should already be causing our antennae to go up. The whole purpose of the book is to help us to have our own desires fulfilled. Is this is a biblical focus? “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:3-4) “Love…does not seek its own.” (1 Cor. 13:4,5) “Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.” (1 Cor. 10:24) The Scriptural focus is self-denial and the pursuit of pleasing and doing right by others, not of pursuing our own desires.
In this vast sea of matrimonial darkness, there are other women who are in greater darkness, for they think they are happy when they are not.
First of all, this comment does not even make sense. If a person believes himself to be happy, he is happy; the very definition of happiness requires this to be true. Second (and more important), the author is beginning early to breed discontent in her readers. Those who are already content (“happy”) may begin to wonder whether they really should be. Is this godly communication? “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” (Eph. 4:29)
If a man does not love his wife with his heart and soul, it is the wife’s fault.
I am all for taking responsibility upon ourselves for whatever we can, to change things from our end. However, this statement is blatantly false. If a man disobeys the biblical commandment to love His wife, he is responsible for his own sin. “So then each of us shall give an account of himself to God.” (Rom. 14:12, emphasis added) This statement, taken to its logical end, says that a woman who is being abused is responsible for the abuse. It is simply not biblical to claim that the “fault” for a sin belongs to anyone other than the sinner himself, or possibly those with biblical authority over/responsibility for him.
If a woman is to be truly happy in marriage she must also be able to have the things that are dear to her heart. She is a human being with human needs, longings and rights that need to be fulfilled.
Since when do we need things (besides food, water, shelter)? And where does the Bible speak of rights? “Rights” are not a biblical concept. As we mentioned in response to the book’s first paragraph, the Bible consistently talks about us denying ourselves and serving others; it does not ever talk about us pursuing our own wants.
The word “love” itself has a broad meaning and “Christian love” is that charity of spirit which we owe to all mankind. The love between a man and a woman is not this broad type of love nor is it given out of obligation, but springs spontaneously from the depths of emotion.
I decided to call this type of love Celestial Love — a term to represent the highest kind of tender love a man can feel for a woman….
Do you think that this type of love exists when a man tells his wife frequently that he loves her, remembers her birthday, takes her out to dinner often and is generous and kind? Not necessarily. These attentions are admirable, but they are not the attributes of real love. A dutiful husband may do or say these things without any actual feeling for his wife.
Celestial love is more intense, more spontaneous and dynamic than the passive actions just mentioned. When a man loves with his heart, he experiences a deep feeling within.
Here is where it begins to get really dangerous. Mrs. Andelin has just redefined love, asserting that the “highest” form of love, and the one to be both pursued and required in a marriage, is that of “warm, fuzzy feelings.” This is not biblical or realistic, and encourages the modern mindset of divorce because of “falling out of love.” This feeling Mrs. Andelin describes is certainly not foreign to a healthy marriage, but it cannot be the basis for the marriage, as it naturally waxes and wanes. A marriage based on feelings is dangerous at best.
What does the Bible have to say about the type of love required of a man toward his wife? It is sacrificial, like Christ’s love for us. Its purpose is to make her more and more holy. It cares for her as carefully as he would care for his own body. (Eph. 5:25-29) It is the “agape” love of God. What is “agape”? It is longsuffering and kind. It is not envious. It is not arrogant, rude, or self-centered. It is not easily provoked, does not think evil or rejoice in iniquity. It rejoices in truth. It bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all. It is never-failing. (1 Cor. 13:4-8) There is no mention here of feelings. It is an obligation, and there is no mention of a need for any other reason for the husband to treat his wife well.
Love in marriage is the most important element in its success….There is simply no way a man and a woman can create a truly successful home without creating a happy marriage based upon a true and abiding love for each other.
At first glance, we seem to be getting somewhere. This would appear to be the first good advice in the book — until we recall the author’s definition of love. “Warm, fuzzy feelings in marriage are the most important element in its success…there is …no way a man and a woman can create a …successful home without creating a happy marriage based upon a true and abiding warm, fuzzy feeling for each other.” Um…NO.
The most important element in a marriage is one that a non-Christian is simply unable to grasp — a focus and reliance on God. “Unless YHWH builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” (Ps. 127:1a) Additionally, as we have already discussed, there is no biblical basis for the necessity of constant warm, fuzzy feelings. Success in anything is dependent upon pursuing God’s purpose for the thing. A study of the purposes of marriage is outside the scope of this review, but suffice it to say that working for my own pleasure is not one of them.
We must study “The Kind of Woman a Man Wants,” the kind which awakens his emotions of worship, adoration and love.
If you were not convinced before that the focus of and advice in Fascinating Womanhood is unbiblical, this sentence alone should do it. Mrs. Andelin’s purpose is to teach women how to encourage their husbands to worship them. What’s wrong with this picture? “Then Jesus said to him, ‘Away with you, Satan! For it is written, “You shall worship YHWH your God, and Him only you shall serve.”‘” (Matt. 4:10) “Therefore God gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator.” (Rom. 1:24-25)
Thanks for this review…I bought a used copy, but won’t be reading it now.
Thank you for this. I think I have this book on my bookshelf and have read it (years ago)…and remember thinking similar thoughts off and on as I read it. Thank you for standing FIRM on the truth of scripture.
Annette
I hope Rachael’s assessment of Fascinating Womanhood does not turn women away from the book.
My limited experience with FW and Mrs. Helen Andelin has brought a greater appreciation for my husband, allowing us to get along better than ever. The fact that Mrs. Andelin is a Mormon does not manifest in her book, which was first written in the ’60’s. Yes, there are areas to watch and change to a more Scriptural perspective. Example: I didn’t like the term “domestic goddess”.
The beauty and grace of FW is teaching women how to allow their men to have Dominion over the home. Man ruling under God. A ship can have only one captain.
For me, learning the “3 A’s” was most important, and I wish I’d learned these simple truths long ago.
Admire, Accept and Appreciate your man.
FW teaches these delicate lessons that will cause you to really think about your relationship with that wonderful husband who protects and needs you.
We have been mis-taught that women are just as smart and capable as men, but that isn’t true and our men need the “3 A’s” as they venture into the public world, as reinforcement and faith from the cherished wife they are defending and protecting.
Reading FW, I learned so much respect for my husband and ways to build him up. It was a revealation to me. I had no idea that my “better than thou” antics had been the source of my misery in keeping a good mate. I truly wanted to be a cherished wife, but I had no proper training. I was more of an adversary; challenging a man (when I should have been under his Dominion as a proper wife).
If anyone wants to read a simple synopsis of Fasincating Womanhood, you can read shortened chapters, lessons and testimonials at:
http://members.tripod.com/~frankysj/fwlsnindex.html
You can also read http://www.fascinatingwomanhood.net, which is Mrs. Andelin’s website. She is now quite elderly, but still devoted to helping women become better wives. That is a worthy ministry, despite her religious “label”.
I must also add, in personal communication with Mrs. Andelin, she exhibited a strong sense of proper justice and wisdom.
I have studied Fascinating Womanhood in depth, and have found many valuable, wise lessons. My “discernment” has kicked in at times, but the book is very educational and helpful, in my opinion.
Later, I took online classes about FW and also teaching. I found more problems with “so-called Christians” in the group that were unScriptural.
Like all things, I discern and spit out the seeds.
It would be a shame for women to overlook this book, based on the fact that the author is a Mormon and certain phrases were extracted from the book that cause doubt and confusion.
The book is an excellent blueprint for women to live their proper role – happily providing their husbands what they need – eg: wifely duties and loyalty – to defend their homes to the best of their ability.
It is inspiring to know that I can affect our family’s happiness.
Not meaning to cause squabbles here. However, I highly recommend Fascinating Womanhood for the *good* it contains. The tripod website above will give a short version of the book and the testimonials may bring understanding to women who need it.
Blessings and Best Wishes,
Mary Hurd
There ARE a few good things in this book, however, the bad far outweighs it, in my opinion. If the issue is submission (which is what you are describing, Mary), there are plenty of other, Biblically-based CHRISTIAN books which do not contain all the garbage. Created to Be His Help Meet is wonderful. The Excellent Wife and The Other Side of the Garden are pretty good, too. I also recommend Me? Obey Him? All of these address submission (the Help Meet book is the most practical) and, while I may not agree with every single detail, they are not full of anti-biblical psychological mumbo-jumbo.
The bible can be used to support the debate on the wrong and can also be used critisize. I can quote for you various versus which fully agree with FW book e.g.on submissiveness
COLOSSIANS 3:18 NKJ
18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
EPHESIANS 5:21-24 NKJ
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
EPHESIANS 5:22 Amplified
22 Wives, be subject — be submissive and adapt yourselves — to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.
1 PETER 3:1 Amplified
1 In like manner you married women, be submissive to your own husbands — subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them. So that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives
Hmmm…I’m not sure what I said to give you the impression that I believe the submission of wives is unbiblical. Let me just make it very clear that I *absolutely* believe it to be of the utmost importance that wives submit to their husbands, because God has told us to!
As this post seems to be such a hot topic, I guess I’d better get back to going through the book and posting. 🙂
Rachel, I know this is an old post, but I just saw it and wanted to thank you for your research and insightful review. I knew there was some reason the Spirit was telling me to stay away from that book.
I love the other books you recommended.
Speaking from a single woman’s perspective (and also a reader of “The Fascinating Girl”), I think that some of the exerpts were taken out of context when making your assessment. I think like any book, each of us has to read it and take it for what it’s worth, in the context of our own lives. But don’t forget that some of us did not grow up in a home with a mother and father, and we have never seen how a woman is supposed to treat a man or how to be a good wife. As a 26-year old single woman, I have grown up in a society that has told me that women and men are equal, and that things in a marriage should be 50-50, and I have see from my own failed relationships and those of others that those principles are simply not true. The book IS based on biblical principles and I think that the wording is being take too literally. She does not say to manipulate or play games with men, she is trying to help women discover their own feminity where we may have not discovered it in our family, and also how our modern independent nature is not always a good thing in our relationship. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about having a good relationship, and being the best woman you can be, the way God intended: a virtuous and submissive woman.
I have this book. I read it back in the late 90’s several times and LOVED it. A very godly older woman was teaching this class in the evening at a friends home. Lady Lydia highly recommends it. I won’t be reading your reviews.
I get really tired of woman reviewing books and then trashing them on their blogs. Funny how you can recommend Created to be His Helpmeet, which has been VERY controversial in christian circles, and yet trash this one?? I’ve come to believe that ALL book reviews really boil down to a matter of perspective anyway.
I came here from Kristens blog to check out the negative reviews but I decided to not read them. I like the book, I didn’t find anything wrong with it, I did several of the author’s suggestions and they worked with my dh (he LOVED them actually) so I really don’t think I need to fill my mind with your own perspective and the lens you use to read the Bible.
I won’t be back.
I took the classes back around 1969-71 or so and found them wonderful. Perhaps your background does not allow you the understanding of the things that are taught. The word “worship” and “adore” were used back then, and even before, to describe many other things, and never were intended to replace the love of God. After all, today, we over-use the word “love,” and make it into a common word to mean we love this music or love that pie or love going on a holiday. A class in FW will increase your understanding of it.
If you want to review a book, try Dr. Laura’s “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” and “The Care and Feeding of Marriage.” She uses the same principles and uses the terms “adore” and “cherish.” Many of the points in FW are used in her book. The Pearls also patterned some of their book after hers, inserting their own religious views in it. Mrs. Andelin’s book was written around 1969 or 70, while these books were all written within the last 5 years. After the publication of FW there were several other book written which were copies of this book, such as Marabel Morgan’s “Joy of Womanhood,” to name just one. Mrs. Andelin’s book is a classic because she in fact is not the original author. It was written from a set of little booklets from the early 1900’s, which were out of print and which the copyright had expired. She used them as her basis and expounded upon them, leaving out some of the older language, and making it understandable to the post femininist woman. Being “older” now, I recognized many of her points, not because they had been in books, but because they were normal common sense that our mothers and grandmothers handed down to their daughters, about marriage and about character and homemaking.These booklets called “The Secrets of Fascinating Woman” show up every so often in antique stores and on Ebay.
As a “modern” African Christian woman lawyer in her early thirties, with a full time job, two young children, and earning more than twice as much as my husband, fascinating womanhood has come to me as a breath of fresh air in a world where I am surrounded by messages about equality, equal rights, and fulfilling my “potential.” Thank you for the warning about the author being a mormon. I will read the book with a more open mind, but I will read it all the same, and I look forward to seeing the results on my definitely-not-thriving marriage. I know in my heart that the principles are true, and I also know that the Bible can be used to justify or criticise almost anything.
I like what a young wise woman (Tiffany) had to say. Especially in today’s world when coming from a broken home is not uncommon. It calls to mind the biblical truth that “by it’s fruit, you know the worth of the tree”. Is it helping marriages or hurting them? Knowing the word helps the discerning process. God bless you all in your quest for truth.
“She encourages silliness rather than the sobriety ”
you are right, it’s unbiblical for a woman to have silly moments with her husband, she must be serious at all times. *eyeroll*
rachel, the judge, has spoken.
if older, wiser women suggest something as good, maybe you should be wiser and at least consider its benefits, rather than attack it because of your opinions. i don’t agree at all that this book is unbiblical or against scripture, and i don’t find that you made your points at all. you sound rather bitter and harsh, not to mention judgemental and negative. do you really think these are characteristics a man would find desirable in a wife?
you are leading women astray from a book that has saved many marriages and given many women and men joy. a man finds joy in a wife that is a “fascinating woman” and you presume to rob a husband of this because you feel his wife is selfish in wanting a happy marriage and an adoring husband? this is outrageous.
i hope the women that find this book at least give it a chance. never take advice from a woman that feels there is something wrong with a woman that wants a loving marriage, or wants at all. avoid a woman that feels a woman with wants is selfish and not following scripture. this book is *very much* about making a husband happy. there are numerous chapter devoted to this, with titles such as making him number one, admire him, accept him, appreciate him, giving a husband sympathetic understanding. the whole book is devoted to becoming an ideal wife for your husband. the whole entire book is about making him happy. i believe you intended to hate this book before you even opened it for the first time to read it, and looked for “proof” that you were justified in hating it.
i feel really sorry for you.
ladies, please at least skim this book in a bookstore and decide for yourselves whether it has merit.
Exactly. The book works.
The silliness I refer to is NOT the same thing as playfulness. It is the polar opposite of the sobriety (or sensibility, depending on your translation) commanded by Scripture. If I believed playfulness to be ungodly my entire family would be in trouble (myself included)! Silly = “weak in intellect: foolish; exhibiting or indicative of a lack of common sense or sound judgment; trifling, frivolous”
I should also point out that NOT all godly older women recommend this book. And that I did NOT decide to dislike it before I read it. Because it was recommended to me by ladies I highly respect, I fully expected it to be wonderful, and was utterly SHOCKED by what I read.
I am Rache’l’s husband, and I must interject that I am so thankful to have a wife more devoted to Scripture than to her own wishes or desires. I am thankful that she respects and obeys me because the Lord tells her to, and not in an effort to manipulate me into being or doing what she wants me to be or do.
I understand this book must certainly have been helpful to many women, if only in that it leads them to pay more attention to their marriages and their husbands. Perhaps the author’s intent in focussing so much on the woman’s wants is to motivate the reader to try out the practices she espouses. I am certain this book has been useful for many women through the years.
However, I must agree with Rachel’s assessment of it on the grounds of Scripture. FW may contain good or helpful advice, but it is not built upon or faithful to the Scriptures as a whole, and should therefore be read with caution and discernment, as Rachel has done.
To offer a husband’s perspective beyond those things I have already said, I would add that there were sections of the book I personally found appalling. This is because, above all else, I hate to be manipulated. My wife can ask me for anything, and I will hear her out and make the best decision I am capable of with the Spirit’s help. But if she tried to use some of the techniques described in the book to get her way — for instance, pouting and stamping her foot when she is displeased — she would find me very angry and uncooperative. These are behaviors we are training OUT of our four-year-old, and I certainly will not tolerate them in my wife.
Again, some will still find the book useful. God may even use it to save their marriage. He used the Red Sea to save His people from the Egyptians, but that doesn’t make the Red Sea holy or righteous. Just read with caution, and weigh what you read in the light of Scripture.
Well said. My hubby agrees with you!
Ladies, After reading 3/4 of the boo, I realize that I was a fascinating woman for the first 5 years of my marriage. That is when i had the happiest marriage. The happiness and peace in my marriage was as a result of my husband’s response to my character, encouragement, admiration, appreciation and other principles spelled out in this book. Being human, my husband and I took each other for granted and now I find that I am away form where I began just as far away from the moon. It is going to be a challenge to step back 110 years back but with balance it can be done.
I have read all of the comments on FW and I have to ask if Rachel has read the book in it’s entirety? I do admit the first time I read the book I thought it was hog wash, but since my marriage wasn’t the happiest, I decided to pick it up and give it a chance. I thought it was manipulative at first as well, but upon further reading and living FW, I see that that is far from the truth. You see, FW is not teaching a woman to ”get what she wants” at the expense of her husband. In fact, FW is hard to live at times because as a wife, she has to put her husbands feelings first and her own last. By giving to her husband his greatest needs, he is turn feels more for her and therefore learns to cherish her. Sometimes when a wife has been far from feminine and submissive, she causes her husband’s feelings for her to bury deep inside. Then when she lives FW and treats her husband with respect and admiration, he then wants to show his love for her even more. I recommend others to read the book in it’s entirety. Give it a chance for six weeks and see if you don’t see a genuine difference in your marriage. I have found that those women who don’t agree with the FW principles, are women who really don’t want to submit in everything. They will go so far, but then they must have control. I know, because this was me. But now, my marriage is better than ever. We and our four children are as happy as can be. Looking back, I can see where the changes have helped us immensely.
I agree. Another book that basically says the same message is love and respect. We are different and it really does work to focus on how men and women have different needs.
Yes, Rachel has read the book in its entirety. 😉
Thank you for the review of this book. I was given this book by a lady saying she was going to help me teach ladies to be feminine. I read through the book and found things just like you wrote in your review. Also what troubled me was the idea that if you do things just so that the woman can change someone. No one can change another person. They have to change themselves and I felt this book was going to make women fell that if they married a criminal that he would change if she did the things in the book. Because of the book I stopped communicating with the people who gave it to me. They got real nasty real fast when I pointed out the stuff you pointed out in your review. They called me names for asking questions about this book. You, by writing that review, may prevent a lot of unhappiness and falling away from the Lord. Also, I looked up information on that book and found out the Mormon church forbid the book and its teaching. Even the Mormon’s didn’t want it.
Wow; I never even thought about the potential for thinking one can change a man with criminal issues, but that’s a really good point. I wasn’t aware regarding the Mormon church, either.
Her foundational premise and pre-requisite for the entire book is to ‘accept him’ (husband). She emphasizes this throughout, the only person we can change is us.
On changing a criminal; that’s rediculous. She says don’t marry someone you cannot accept entirely; fault and virtue. For the 95% of husbands who fall into the non-criminal catagory, we must look to his better side. It’s a choice. The faults are there, but we’re not focused on them, because we are choosing to see his better side. That’s the only way a man is free to change anyway.
For the tiny percentage of woman who are married to criminals and trying to live FW, she actually does give sound advice, including maintaining self dignity and worth, not lowering our standards to meet his, and in some cases of abuse, removing herself and children from the existing environment.
This blog article is a misrepresentation of fascinating womanhood. I was given the book 20 years ago when newly married and have found my marriage to be much happier, peaceful, satisfying for husband and I both when I apply Fascinating womanhood. The book is full of self sacrifice, being intentional, self controlled, putting him first, practical how-to’s on responding to a man’s nature to deepen love. Disregarding principles that work is to deny your marriage and home happiness and harmony. My children have come to me with comments of how happy our home is when I live FW- it benefits everyone.
I’m disappointed in the author of this article for being so short-sighted and have sadly lost some respect in her opinion on many fronts because of this review on FW.
I’m sorry you don’t believe my representation to be fair. This is one reason I always try to provide concrete examples; that way readers can make their own, educated decisions about my concerns. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary, with a mutually loving and respectful relationship. Biblical principles have served us well — no behaving like a petulant toddler required.
I got caught up in this book accidentally. I read through the book and realized it was not something I wanted to teach. I didn’t like the part about having tantrums to get what you want. Most of what she based as truths was on novels. Well novels are not reality and I certainly don’t want to follow un-reality. So as I want to make a blog that helps ladies that are interested in being keepers at home this is definitely not on the list of reads.In the Bible it says that men are to love their wife’s as the church. I don’t see myself as being like the church if I pout, stomp my feet and look over my shoulder.
Thank you! I’ve been reading the book and something has been off! I felt like it was my fault that my husband was doing x,y and x. Maybe I was still behaving wrong or not saying something in the right way. I appreciate this post so much! It’s not my job to act perfect to change his behavior/sin. It’s my job to respect him, serve and love him. And not sin. But I’m not the author of his story. Thank God for that truth!
Thanks for being courageous enough to post this review, Rachel, and for keeping it up even as the years passed and hurtful comments were posted. I just ordered this book used bc I’ve been listening to a woman on YouTube, and I knew nothing of it. In an effort to share more info with a friend, prior to a book club reading, I stumbled across your blog and read this part 1 review. I haven’t even read the book yet, and though I plan to, I will read it after praying, and with the mindfulness of a Barean.
I have read the book and it has helped me a lot. Ladies read the book and implement it and take it from there. Don’t just dismiss the book. Remember that people also don’t believe in the bible but we have to have a mind of our own. #Growth mindset#