I talked the other day about phrases parenting psychologists often tell us to “never use.” While some of these are helpful, and others are at least worth thinking through, some are meaningless or even mistaken.  Today let’s talk about a few of these phrases that amount to variations on “no.”

No ______

The first phrase — and one of the more common — these “experts” object to is “no _____.”  For instance:

“No running.”

“No hitting.”

“No screaming.”

The thinking is that instead of giving our children negative instructions regarding what they shouldn’t do, we should give them positive instructions regarding what they should do.  My issue with this line of thinking is the “instead.”

It is probably true that our children will benefit from more positives and fewer negatives.  It is certainly true that they need instruction regarding how we do expect them to behave, rather than merely regular instruction to stop.  However, they also need to know what not to do.

Consider, for instance, the “no running” scenario.  If I have made it a practice to never tell my children no, I might instead tell the child to “Please walk.” With the necessary context, that’s great!  Without the necessary context, it’s confusing.  “Please walk.” Instead of what?  Running?  Skipping?  Standing still?  Visiting the restroom?

Some balance is called for here.  Sometimes we do just get in a rut.  Calling out a gentle reminder to “please walk!” will often suffice in place of “don’t run!” We do, however, have to start somewhere.  Little ones, especially, need to know what to stop doing, before we tell them what to replace it with.  Pairing the two (“Don’t run in the house; walk, please.”) provides the full information they need, as well as the context for interpreting positive reminders later.

You can’t _____./Don’t _____.

The idea behind this one is that we shouldn’t tell a child he can’t _____, or not to do _____, and not tell him why.

First of all, let’s separate these phrases.  “You can’t _____” is probably not a good option because (with certain exceptions, like “you can’t fly”) most parents don’t actually mean “you cannot”; they mean “you may not.”  Telling a child he cannot do something which he clearly can do inspires many to essentially go, “Sure I can; see?!”

So let’s look at “You may not…” and “Do not…”  Do you owe your child an explanation for your instructions?  No, as the parent, you do not.  It is sometimes wise and beneficial to explain your reasoning to your child, so he learns to reason, himself.  However, it is also wise and beneficial to teach him to obey the authorities placed over him, for the simple reason that they are in authority over him, whether he understands why or not.

This is biblical.

“You shall not murder.”  (Ex. 20:13)  Why?  Because God said so..

“You shall not steal.” (Ex. 20:15) Why?  Because God said so.

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s [stuff].” (Ex. 20:17)  Why?  Because God said so.

It is also biblical to provide a reason if you choose to/believe it will aid understanding.

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image…you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…” (Ex. 20:4, emphasis added)

If God — the model Father — gave instructions with explanations, but also gave instructions without (expecting His children to obey Him because of who He is, rather that because of their own understanding), is it unreasonable to think both types of instruction have a place in the earthly parent’s repertoire, as well?

Don’t argue with me.

I’m a little puzzled by this one.  Based on the explanation I’ve seen accompanying it, I believe the real issue is not the words at all; it’s an attitude issue.

“The Kid Counselor” suggests saying instead, “I know you would like a different answer, but my answer’s not going to change,” or, “I gave you my answer.  Do you have a question about it?”

I don’t really see a notable difference between “Don’t argue with me,” and the first proposed alternative, except perhaps a subtle change of wording similar to the concerns brought up for the very first phrase in this post.  In my estimation, that is too petty to even be worth quibbling over.

The second alternative suggested gets at the heart of things, I think.  Based on the remainder of the explanation, the real problem here seems to be the shutting down of conversation.  This is something we need to be conscious of, as parents — to ensure we aren’t shutting down legitimate conversation.

However, the vast majority of the time this phrase is employed, all that is happening is argument — backtalk.  There is no constructive reason to not shut down backtalk.  The key is to be attentive, so if there are legitimate questions, concerns, or counter-arguments (additional information, for instance), that is not shut down, too.

I personally find it more likely that I will hear a legitimate concern if I don’t allow backtalk.  It’s a little like the boy who cried “wolf!”  Incessant backtalk just causes Mom or Dad to tune out whatever chatter comes after an instruction is given or a request is denied.

You’re doing it wrong.

The objection to this phrase (or thinking) is, I believe, a valid objection.  There are, of course, times when there is only one right way to do a thing, and a child needs to learn it.  The vast majority of the time, though, it’s personal preference or habit.

If you find yourself telling your child he isn’t doing something the right way, stop and mentally ask yourself a few questions:

• Is there only one “right” way to do this?
• Who decided my way is the right way?
• Is he getting the job done?
• What is the worst that could happen if I let him do it his way?

I find it to be a good rule of thumb that once I’ve delegated a task to someone, it is his job to do.  As long as he gets it done within the allotted time and to the necessary standard (which ought to be reasonable!), it doesn’t really matter how he does it.  (Within reason, of course!  Illegal methods, for instance, are off the table.)

If the towels need to be folded a certain way because it’s the only way they fit in the cupboard, fine.  If you only fold them that way because it’s the way you’ve always done it, does it really matter?  Or does it only matter that they’re neatly folded and stacked?

Does it matter whether the plates are washed before the bowls or the bowls before the plates?  Does it matter whether your child prefers a sponge while you prefer a dishrag?

Homeschoolers, we need to remember this for school assignments, too!  If a lesson on colors tells the student to color the grass green, and he colors the grass purple, it’s wrong.  In a freeform art assignment if he colors the grass purple, so what?  He’s exercising creativity, just as God did.

The point is, sometimes the “right way” matters, and sometimes it doesn’t.  Don’t make moral issues out of personality quirks.