Why We Don't Teach Our Children That Doing Good is Its Own Reward

I’ve heard it said that rewards are only a temporary tool for teaching our children to do right. The sentiment is that we need to wean them from these rewards at some point, because we’re ultimately trying to teach them to do the right thing for the sake of the right thing (reward or no reward). The problem is, this is neither a realistic concept nor a biblical one.

Doing the Right Thing for the Right Thing’s Sake is Not Realistic

There is no point at which one becomes mature enough to do a thing with no concern over the benefits of doing it. I would argue that even Jesus didn’t! We all do everything we do out of a motivation to gain some benefit or avoid some consequence. The distinction between maturity and immaturity is what is considered valuable enough to be a worthy reward.

Doing the Right Thing for the Right Thing’s Sake is Not Biblical

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Wait. Let me clarify. I’m not saying that it’s UNbiblical to do the right thing for the right thing’s sake. I am saying that it’s not biblical teaching that we must/ought. Jesus instructed us to store up treasure in heaven. ¹ What is that, if not a reward? We’re promised that our works will either stand or be burned. ² What is that, if not consequences, positive and negative? In fact, a closer reading of this passage reveals that we are promised a reward 3 if we do well! The distinction here is that the reward is deferred.

So, Then, What Do We Teach Our Children?

So I would argue that we teach our children to move from requiring rewards that are concrete, tangible, and immediate (and of obvious direct benefit to themselves) to appreciating rewards that are abstract, intangible, and/or deferred (and possibly only of benefit to them in an indirect way). Jesus, for example, did not go to the cross “just because.” He did so “for the joy set before Him.” ⁴ I think that would be the joy of our salvation, and of pleasing the Father by His obedience. His love for the Father and for us allowed Him to view our benefit as a benefit to Himself. (That last part is my own interpretation, so feel free to disagree.)

Starting with the Concrete (Character Badges)

We do have to start somewhere. Little children don’t understand abstractions, and they don’t have the attention span for much that’s deferred. So we start with concrete and immediate and move gradually away from that as they mature. Character Badges are an excellent tool for providing immediate rewards and consequences. I hadn’t seen this prior to this week, but it’s in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, so I got to check it out, and it’s really well done.

It’s a set of colorful, printable charts for tracking both positive and negative behaviors in your kids between about 5 and 12. It allows for a little bit of grace, for progressively significant discipline for repeat offenses, and for each family to delineate their own consequences for each misdeed. It also includes badges the children can earn by exemplifying godly character traits. You can add your own external rewards, as well, if you like. (For younger children, there’s another version that accounts for even more immediate rewards and consequences.)

There are clear instructions for use in this package. I really love that it ensures that all the planning is done in advance. I don’t know about you, but at my house it seems that someone always needs discipline right when I’m trying to change a poopy diaper on a baby who’s attempting to crawl away, someone is singing nonsense at the top of her lungs, and someone else is asking me what’s for dinner. (Why do they think the middle of a challenging diaper change is a good time to ask a question I have to think to answer?) So I can’t really think clearly to figure out what to do with the offending child. It might be pretty simple, but I can’t see the forest for the trees.

Having a system like this set up enables you to to deal with most issues (in a way) before they actually happen. When an offense is committed, the consequences are already predetermined; you just have to check the chart. Likewise, it provides a way to reward the children when we “catch them being good” – even when we’re too harried to think very clearly.

We haven’t gotten ours all together yet, but we’re putting it together this week!