You might remember, in my modesty post from a few weeks ago, that I mentioned having read an article a while back about courtship and emotional purity.  This was the article.  As I told my mother when she and I initially discussed that article, there is a nugget of truth to it.  I’m a bit familiar with ATI/Gothard, and there is imbalance there.

However, what I see in the article is something that happens in a variety of areas of biblical teaching.  Someone takes a perfectly sane, sound concept/teaching to an absurd extreme.  Then others, who have been exposed to the extreme, react against the sound concept instead of the extremism.

I agree that a lot of courtship teaching tends to communicate that some single perfect formula will guarantee a perfect marriage, so everyone should stick to it. And that’s clearly absurd.  But I believe the overall article throws the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

Is “Emotional Purity” a Harmful Concept?

I don’t believe that teaching emotional purity induces shame. I believe that teaching young people to be ashamed of their feelings induces shame. Emotional purity could be the context in which this occurs, but the same harmful teaching can happen without the concept of emotional purity, as well.  We need to be able to separate these things, because emotional purity is important.

The article author points out that you don’t “lose” a measure of your love by loving someone, as though you’re going to run out of love. That’s very true. But if that’s what she learned about emotional purity, I think she missed the point.  Her example is that she doesn’t love her third child any less because she’s loved two other children already — and that’s true (or at least I hope it is)!

But surely she wouldn’t say she doesn’t have a special emotional attachment to her children because of having loved them in a familial manner.  The question is not (only) that of whether something will be lacking in a marriage if inappropriate relationships were developed previously, but of whether something will be present in other relationships that should not be.  (Slight side note: It is possible for these relationships to cause a lack in a future relationship.  Not by their existence, but by their inevitable destruction, and the emotional patterns this develops.)

Just as I pointed out in the discussion of modesty, I believe the distinction between whether or not this teaching is ultimately healthy comes down to the attitude with which it takes place.  Darcy says the idea of emotional purity is based on fear. I disagree. It can be presented with a foundation of fear. It can be — and should be — presented from a place of wisdom and a desire for something better than just “okay.”  The principles are the same, but the motivation and attitude — and therefore the message our children hear — is different.

Keys to Courtship

There is a lot that could be said about courtship.  Many questions that could be asked and answered. Many scenarios that could be discussed.  But for this post, I’d just like to point out a couple of things I find fundamental.

1. “Courtship” is not one specific set of experiences, one single path that everyone takes.  It’s a mindset, and that mindset allows for a good deal of variation in the specifics, where practical application is concerned.

2. There is a purpose for courtship.  If you keep the purpose in mind, it can help avoid a trip into the ditch on either side of the road.

The Mindset of Courtship

The mindset of courtship is what ultimately sets it apart from our culture’s typical dating scene.  (Regardless of what name you use for it.  There are some people who “date” with a courtship mindset, while others’ “courtships” don’t look any different from the world.) For me, the essence of courtship is this:

• You only enter into a romantic relationship with someone you’re seriously considering as a spouse.
• You only do so when you are in a position to be married (or will be very soon).
• You develop the relationship in a way that keeps you in the “real world” as much as possible (so you’re learning about each other in a realistic context), while exercising wisdom so as to minimize the temptation to behave in ways that are biblically inappropriate.
• You do all of this in a way that honors those in authority over you to the best of your ability.

Every one of these things has the potential to look different in practice, depending on the situation.  Even honoring those in authority over you will be different depending on whether you’re a young lady in a believing household, a young man with unbelieving parents, or a middle-aged couple who have long been out of your respective parents’ homes (to name just a few examples).

But taken as principles rather than prescriptions, courtship seems to me to just be a common-sense concept. As Michael says, why would you want to be potentially tied up in a relationship with the wrong person when the right one comes along? That’s just asking for a mess.

The Purpose of Courtship

I don’t think I’ve read Ludy’s book(s), but I did not get the impression Darcy did of Josh Harris’ books.  (I suspect her view of them was colored by her bad experience.)  However, I agree that some of the specific “rules” we find in courtship books may take things a bit too far.

There is a purpose for the courtship and engagement periods. These — especially the engagement period, when the two are already committed — are supposed to involve a man’s wooing of a woman, his attempt to win her heart. If we were meant to jump instantly from “you’re practically a no-name acquaintance for all the attachment I have to you” to wedding-night lovemaking, we’d not have courtship or engagement. A man would simply ask permission to marry a woman, they’d get married, and they’d be done with it.

So, while I think care ought to be taken not to fall too hard too early because you’re still ensuring that all the important things line up, I also believe that affection — and expression of it — should be progressing to some degree during this time. If Michael couldn’t even tell me he loved me before we were married, I think I’d have been a bit concerned about why he was marrying me and whether he was truly committed.

If your definition/understanding of courtship is different from ours, you still need to have a clear picture of it.  What is courtship to you?  What is its purpose?  If you can’t clearly articulate this, you can’t consistently apply it when the circumstances deviate from the textbook plot.  And believe me, they almost certainly will.