Some time ago I read a blog post about courtship and emotional purity.  Someday I’ll tackle that whole topic, but today is not that day.  [UPDATE: Here’s the courtship/purity post.]  Instead, I’d like to address one little piece of what came up in my musings and discussions about the post, which will later serve as a foundation.

To put it in a nutshell, the original post I read claimed that teaching (courtship and) emotional purity is harmful, because it teaches young people to be ashamed of their feelings.  (I disagree, and I’ll get into why more specifically in that future post.)  When I read the post,  it immediately struck me as “not quite right,” but it took me a while to put my finger on what, exactly, was “off.”  When it finally occurred to me, I realized that the “something” applies just as much to modesty — and it’s much simpler to tackle it in those terms.

The something?  Motivation/attitude.

Motivation/Attitude Matters

The blogger was right that there are some hyper-conservative parents out there who are harming their children in the process of teaching what they teach.  But it’s not the principles they’re teaching that are harmful.  It’s the attitude behind the teaching that’s harmful.

When we teach our daughters* to cover up, they don’t just hear, “Cover up.”  They hear a much larger message: “Cover up because _____________.”  That underlying message is what has the power to be helpful or hurtful.  

It is good and right to teach our daughters to keep certain parts of themselves covered up.  Parents — particularly fathers — who respect and value their daughters will do so.  That right there is the key.  Respect and value.

Our daughters need to hear the message that they should dress modestly because they’re precious.  They should dress modestly because they respect themselves.  They should dress modestly because their bodies are treasures to be guarded against plundering by those unworthy of them.  If this is the message they’re hearing, they will also hear that we cherish them.  That they are of unspeakable value to us.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the message every young lady hears.  Some, of course, never hear this message because they’re not taught to cover up at all.  But some don’t hear this message because they’re given a conflicting one: “Cover up because your body is something to be ashamed of.”  These girls hear the devastating message that they should be covered up because they are of little value.

Tone Matters

What is, perhaps, saddest about this situation is most of the parents passing on this message probably don’t intend to.  They don’t even realize it.  They believe they’re guarding their daughters, and in their very attempts to do so, are hurting them.  So let me put it this way: tone matters.

I don’t just mean the actual tone of voice.  The tone of the comment as a whole sends a subtle message, implying one motivation or another.  Is your daughter hearing, “I love you too much to let you go out like that”?  “Sweetie, you are precious.  If you wear _______, you are going to attract the wrong kind of guy, and I want you to attract the kind of man who will take good care of you”?  “You deserve better than that”?

Or is your daughter hearing, “Get in there and cover yourself up”?  “How dare you…”?  “There is no way you’re leaving the house like that while you’re living under my roof”?  Or even, “You should be ashamed of yourself”?

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

If you listen carefully, you might also notice that the person at the heart of these comments is different.  One set of messages is centered around the daughter: What is beneficial for her?  (Not necessarily what’s comfortable, but what will be good for her.)  That she is important.  That her long-term joy and holiness should not, and need not, be sacrificed for short-term impulsiveness.  The other set of messages is centered around the parents.  What they will or will not stand for.  What might embarrass them.

Our children are quite astute.  Even when the distinctions are so subtle that we struggle to define the specifics, they pick up on them.  Your daughter can tell if you are motivated primarily by your love for her, or primarily by what your friends might think.

Search me, O God, and know my heart…
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
–Psalm 139:23a,24

*and sons.  But “covering up” is usually more of an issue with daughters.  Other aspects of modesty — which I define as “not drawing undue attention to oneself” — is often more “equal opportunity.”