We’ve all heard it…family dinners are critical to the well-adjusted upbringing of children.  Children need family mealtimes.  Even, sometimes, it’s essential for binding hearts together.  The underlying message: good families eat dinner together.  We’re usually painted a picture that looks something like this:

The implication is that if and when our family dinners aren’t such magical moments, we’re doing it wrong.  Family dinnertime is a time for sweet fellowship, right?  So if we aren’t having sweet fellowship at dinner, there’s obviously something wrong with us.

[Tweet “”Good families eat dinner together.” Or do they?”]

Well, Let Me Share a Little (Not-So-)Secret…

Dinnertime almost never looks like this at my house.  In fact, I hate dinnertime.  I work my butt off, amid the chaos and the clamor, to get dinner on the table for everyone.  Dinner that, often, I can’t even eat (although I’m working on that, with the new AIP-friendly meal plans I’ve been getting together).

And then dinner involves complaints about the meal, complaints about the conversation, a toddler screaming shrilly at the top of his lungs, dropped flatware, arguments, spilled drinks, requests for more food, insistence that we provide drinks in sippy cups that aren’t even on the current floor…

Frankly, it’s stressful.*  And stress is something I definitely do not need more of.

So What Does this Have to Do with You?

Family mealtimes are just one specific example of a trap we fall into frequently: that of assuming there’s only one right way to do something and imposing that expectation on everyone around us. 

Biblical principles are non-negotiable in a Christian home.  The applications of those principles may certainly vary! Let’s break this down a little.

Families are different.  In many ways.  Some have small children.  Some have teenagers.  Some have teenagers and small children.  Some have one child.  Some have two. Some have twelve.  This necessarily means that the dynamics in every family will be different — and that’s before even accounting for personality differences!  (There’s a lot of “loud” in the personalities at my house!)

Family meals are different — by which I mean the dynamics of the actual food and food preparation.  I have notable food sensitivities.  That means many nights I’m feeding my family delicious-looking food and then going to fix myself a piece of more-or-less plain chicken.  That’s not so good for mama’s morale.

Other families have multiple members with food sensitivities, and all of them different, making it a challenge to simply get everyone physically fed.  Food prep at some houses may be quick and simple; at others it may be long and involved.  In some homes the primary cook has help, in others, there’s just one cook.

The overall household situation into which dinnertime falls is different, as well.  If everyone is away at work, school, or daycare all day, then scattered to the four winds every evening with outside activities, family dinnertime may well be an oasis of calm and togetherness in the midst of an otherwise hectic — and separated — week.

It’s not quite the same standout event in a household where everyone or almost everyone is together all day and separate evening events are rare.

The Point Is, We Are All Unique

I’m a pretty solid failure at establishing peaceful, joyous family dinnertimes, but that’s okay.

[Tweet “”I’m a failure at family dinners, but that’s okay.””]

It’s okay because I don’t have to be good at that.  My strengths don’t have to be someone else’s strengths, and my priorities don’t have to be someone else’s priorities.

My family is together a lot.  (And I mean, a lot!)  Skipping dinner together is not going to cut us off from each other.  My kids do the grocery shopping with me, and overhear the meal planning.  Not to mention their mother has such a passion for nutrition she’s going to school for it — and they see that, too.  We have plenty of opportunity to shape their view of food outside of dinnertime.  (And probably more effectively, since the stress that is dinnertime is not what I want them to associate with food.)

They know we love them, and we have more effective conversations at other times of the day, when we are not all together and they can be heard without a dozen interruptions from siblings.

Maybe you love family dinners, and they are that oasis for you.  That’s wonderful!  Please don’t be the one to discourage another mother by implying she isn’t good enough because she isn’t like you.

Maybe, like me, you find family mealtime more a source of stress and overwhelm than anything else.  Don’t just “quit” because it’s hard — important things are often hard!  But do ask yourself — and the Lord and your spouse — if you really need to do dinner the way you have been, or if something else would be just as good or better.  (I know of at least one family that has breakfast together every day.)

I have a friend who has chosen to get dinner on the table for everyone else, then go for a walk while everyone else eats without her.  I salute her for finding what works for her: a few minutes of calm and quiet, plus the ability to eat her own meal later without the stress (that keeps us from being able to properly digest food!)  I’m guessing the rest of her family is not sorry to have a less-stressed mama, either!

Tired, stressed, overwhelmed moms don’t need condemnation.  They (we!) don’t need someone telling them everything they’re doing “wrong” — and by someone else’s standard, to boot.  They need support and encouragement as they navigate the path that God has laid out before them and seek His direction and His standards for their families.

*The preceding description is meant to be just that — a description.  Not complaining — at least not this time. 😉  But you gotta get the full picture. 🙂