What is Grace?

Grace is a tricky thing to define.  When we’re talking about God’s grace for us, the common definition of “unmerited favor” is a pretty good summary. But how does that translate to our extending grace to others (or ourselves)?

When I was doing the research for this post, I found a lot of sites where the authors demonstrated concern that “grace” is often confused with “excuses” — as in, making excuses for someone to let them get away with sin.  At least one site claimed that, by contrast, true grace is (lovingly) pointing out sin.  I would argue that grace, in and of itself, is not either of these things.  Grace is an attitude.

Grace is an Attitude

What do I mean by that?

Well, I agree with the authors who pointed out that grace is not just license to keep sinning.  (“What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!” Rom. 6:1-2a)  But neither does it necessarily involve pointing out sin.  Often, the person sinning is already acutely aware of this failure — and that is exactly the point.

Grace takes a balanced, matter-of-fact approach with one who trips and falls, as we all do, but is basically on the right path, moving in the right direction.  We don’t make light of sin, but we recognize it as “common to man,” and don’t hold it over people’s heads, but encourage them to “shake it off” and move on after confessing it (and we move on, too!)

This type of attitude doesn’t preclude pointing out sin when our loved ones are blind to it, but it doesn’t necessarily call us to point out their shortcomings.

Let’s consider an example, to illustrate the balance.  Let’s say you have a family member who’s prone to yelling at other family members.  If this family member is oblivious, he might need to have the yelling pointed out.  If the family member is comfortable with the state of things, he might need to be gently confronted.  If, on the other hand, this family member is aware of the tendency, has been trying to curb his tongue, and continues to slip up, he is probably already prone to beating up on himself whenever this happens, and doesn’t need you piling on.

Ask yourself how you would want to be treated under the circumstances.  How do you believe God does/would treat you under the circumstances?  Does he have a need to have a blind spot illuminated, or just need the space to learn and grow?

Grace for Yourself

It’s necessary, first of all, to have grace for yourself.  Remember, this isn’t “excuses”; it’s an absence of condemnation.  Yes, you’re going to mess up.  No, it’s not okay.  But what’s done is done and you can’t go back and change it.  Just confess, repent, and move forward.  His mercies are new every morning.  (Lam. 3:22-23)  This is one of my favorite quotes:

Grace for Your Spouse

It is, admittedly, easier to have grace for a spouse who is trying hard than for one who is not.  But either way, try to view your spouse through God’s eyes.  And especially if he’s working to grow in sanctification, try to give him space to do that.  Be slow to anger, quick to forgive.  Be slow to take offense.

I haven’t read it yet because my to-read stack is pretty all, but I’m looking forward to reading Grace-Filled Marriage, by Dr. Tim Kimmel, because his parenting book was so good.  (See below.) 

Grace for Your Children

I recently had a conversation with someone about “decluttering” groups online.  These groups are largely filled with moms who are just learning how to manage their own clutter after a lifetime of struggle.  My friend was lamenting the fact that these moms — who are, themselves, struggling to get their clutter under control — so often took a harsh approach with their children, of “you didn’t get it all taken care of in a hurry so I’m throwing it all away.”  Getting rid of what’s too much to handle isn’t necessarily problematic (for that matter, neither is getting rid of things as a consequence, depending on the circumstances), but these moms are holding their small children to a higher standard than they, themselves, are able to meet.

That is exactly the approach we’re seeking to avoid.  Do you want someone to punish you the moment you aren’t up to snuff?  To have someone demand mastery of a skill without ever teaching it to you?  Or do you want someone to gently come alongside you and teach you what you need to know?  To give you the space to not always get it quite right as you learn?  To practice discipline rather than punishment?

It’s important not to forget that we are the parents, and we’re our children’s authorities, and also not to forget that our children are people, with needs and thoughts and feelings of their own.  Tim Kimmel describes a beautiful balance in his Grace-Based Parenting (my review here), and his now-adult daughter fills in some of the blanks regarding practical application in the follow-up, Grace-Based Discipline (my review here).

Grace for Others

And finally, we need to have grace for others.  I find this shows most often in how quick we are to judge in a prideful way.  Are we quick to assume that someone is a heretic because of a single tweet?  Is that necessarily true or is it possible the tweet was just poorly-worded?  I’m not suggesting we overlook serious error.  I’m merely suggesting that we be willing to give others the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst by default.

Do we assume that certain people aren’t believers, when perhaps they’re simply not as far down the road of sanctification as we are?  (Or maybe they are, just not in one particular area!)

Do we assume that someone intended to hurt us, when really they either just had a bad day, or some kind of oversight made something come across in a manner other than what was intended?  (I’ve actually had experiences where, thanks to technology, the message that was received was literally a different message than what was sent!)