Life doesn’t always go as (we’d) planned.  If you’re a regular reader, you’ve probably noticed my virtual disappearance.  That would be a crazier-than-usual schedule (including multiple out-of-town trips), with illness piled on top.  Sometimes, life just happens.  We’re all familiar with that on some scale, but today I want to talk about what this looks like when we’re talking about chronic illness. 

If it’s you (or a family member) that’s sick, hopefully you’ll be blessed by being “heard.”  And if you’re one of the healthy ones, I hope you’ll walk away with a better understanding of others’ struggles, and how you can be a blessing.

First, a caveat: everyone’s situation and everyone’s illness is different, so please understand these things to be generally true.  All the details might not match every individual situation.

Put on a Happy Face

It’s a tricky path you tread when you’re chronically ill (or have a debilitating injury, etc.).  Most of us don’t want to be grumbly/complaining all the time.  We certainly don’t want to waste the precious time we get with family or friends; we want to be reasonably pleasant company so you can enjoy us — and we want to enjoy you, too!

So most of the time, when you see us in public, we’ll be wearing our “public face” — whether it accurately reflects how we feel or not.  The net result is that there’s a very good chance you have an incomplete picture of what life is really like “behind the scenes” for those battling chronic health problems.  It’s awkward for them to be really honest with you about where they stand, and you don’t know to ask.

In the interest, then, of being helpful to everyone, I’m going to try to spell it out.  This post should not be read as complaining, or as bitterness, but as an attempt to be very honest about the struggles we face as chronically ill individuals (and the families supporting them), so you can get a look “behind the scenes.”

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

It’s hard to describe the debilitating nature of chronic illness, because we often don’t fully understand it ourselves.  Sometimes it seems like I should be able to do more, or I don’t know my body’s limit, and that makes it exceptionally difficult to describe to a healthy person.  But I can approximate it.

You know what it’s like the day after you have the flu?  You’re not technically still sick, so you feel like you should be able to get back to normal, but the silliest, piddliest things wear you out completely.  Taking a shower.  Standing at the stove to fry an egg.  You start to go about your day, but in very short order you simply run out of energy.  Imagine feeling like that virtually every day, and that’s what chronic illness is like.

There might occasionally be a “good” day, where you’re back to more-or-less normal, but you can’t predict these — not their timing or their frequency.  You don’t know if you’ll get two back-to-back.  You can’t make plans because you don’t know what will be a “good” day and what will be a “bad” day.  And if you decide to take advantage of a “good” day to get something big done or get started on a project, you probably pay for it the next day with an extra-bad day, or with a half-finished project you now lack the energy to finish.

Many people also deal with constant pain and/or with a plethora of food sensitivities.

Why Am I Telling You This?

I’m painting a picture to provide some background.  There are so many ways you can be a blessing to someone in this situation, but they’ll make more sense if you understand the place that individual is coming from.  And with that understanding, you can figure out on your own some needs I may not know to point out, for people in your life.

What Can You Do?

With chronic illness, everyday, routine things become a challenge.  Some people have more difficulty with certain tasks than others, but we all are struggling with an overly-limited supply of energy to get done more work than the energy allows for.  It may seem silly to you, but offering to help clean, bring a meal (perhaps a particular challenge if there are dietary limitations, but potentially an even bigger blessing in that case), or mow the grass can lift a burden off.  Especially since this may free up someone in the household to do something else that only a household member can do.

If this is a mother, offer to take her children on occasion to give her a break.  Or see if  you can drive them to someplace they need (or want) to go.

It can be very difficult to go out when you’re chronically ill.  Not only is it no fun to be out and about when you feel bad, we often have to choose between using our energy to shower, and using it to go out and do what needs to be done — resulting in feeling awkward about being out and about and gross.  So you might ask if there are errands you can run for her.

What about church?  Church often requires an immense amount of energy (especially if you have children), and levies numerous expectations.  You can make this easier.  Communicate that it’s all right to not stand up if that’s difficult.  Communicate that it’s all right to make plans to attend events, and have to cancel at the last minute because it’s a bad day.

Minimize the need to exert energy, in any way possible.  Offer to hold a baby, or hold a preschooler’s hand to keep him from running off.  Take a little one to the bathroom so mom doesn’t have to make the trip.  (This may be especially appreciated when the healthy parent has to attend church alone, and an opposite-sex child needs the restroom.)  Save a nearby parking space, carry physical burdens, etc.

Consider special dietary needs when planning church-wide meals.  So much of church fellowship revolves around food, and it’s difficult being left on the outside because you can never eat with everyone else.  This is even harder when full meals at mealtime are planned around themes that cannot reasonably accommodate dietary limitations.

Then the individual member is torn: do I stay home because I can’t go hungry?  Bring food that’s so clearly different that I’m drawing attention to myself?  Try to eat just before or after and hope I’m not too hungry during mealtime (and draw attention to myself by refraining from eating)?

This is true of communion, too.  Communion is meant to illustrate the unity of the Body, and this is lost when members are excluded because they can’t eat.  (If your church practices intinction — the dipping of the bread into the wine — consider that this contaminates the wine for those who can’t eat the bread, preventing them from participating at all.)

Be Present

Simply reaching out and being involved in her life will go a long way.  It rings hollow when you tell a spouse that you’re praying for the ill church member, when you happen to see them, but seem to forget about them in the interim.

This doesn’t have to be major.  A phone call or card may be appreciated.  Depending on the person, a visit might be appreciated (as long as you make no judgments about the condition of the home or your friend’s state of dress — don’t make your visit work or stress for her!).  But even a quick shout-out on Facebook: “Hey, just wanted you to know I’ve missed you,” lets her know she really is on your mind.