Read part 1.

Laying a (Faulty) Foundation

Following the introductory sections, the ratio of helpful to unacceptable is higher. The problems we do find, from this point on, are far more subtle (and, therefore, dangerous!). Keep in mind, though, that the author has already laid a faulty foundation. The book, as a whole, is based on manipulation – how to behave in such a way as to get what I want. This manipulation makes an appearance in more obvious ways in various parts of the instruction.

It is also worthwhile to note that “religion” is reflected in this book as an add-on. A truly successful marriage is successful because God is at the center of it. As expected, this perspective is not reflected in this non-Christian [See part 1.] text. Instead, it attempts to teach truth apart from God’s Word. As Katherine Loop points out in Beyond Numbers, everything we study is presented with either a Biblical or an un-Biblical worldview. There is no neutrality; anything which purports to be neutral is actually un-Biblical, because it is in Him that all things exist. (Col. 1:17) Anti-Biblical doctrines, terminology, and concepts creep in, “in passing,” many times along the way.

Moving Beyond the Introduction

Following the introductory portions, the book is divided into two major sections, dealing with the “angelic” qualities and the “human” qualities. (The author’s understanding of angels and humans and their interaction is clearly not biblically grounded. She seems to be of the popular notion that people become angels, and that this is the highest height we can reach. This becomes apparent both in the terminology used, and in miscellaneous comments scattered throughout the text.) I would divide it up differently, though, as the first portion of the “angelic” section deals with how to treat a man, while the second portion and the “human” section deal with how to be feminine.

How to Treat a Man

Let’s take a look first at the portion addressing how to treat a man. I found the most content of value in this section, which really is a treatment of “how to respect.” Again, we have the issue of teaching truth apart from God’s Word. It would have been better to teach that God instructs us to respect/reverence our husbands (Eph. 5:33) and to submit to them (Eph. 5:22, Col. 3:18, Tit. 2:5 – which is part of respect, but not all of it), and that “here are some specific ways to put that into practice.” Nevertheless, if we view this as the secular book that it is, aware that we will need to “spit out the seeds,” there is some good stuff to glean here.

We are told to accept our husbands – that is, to not attempt to change them. We are told to admire our husbands – that is, to verbally communicate our awareness of their strengths (especially those strengths which are specifically masculine). We are told to step back and allow our husbands to function in their masculine role as protector and provider (submission!). Overall, these are good things, and the specifics offered are helpful.

However, there are some problematic comments scattered throughout (which I will address in a moment). There is one other major instruction we are given, which is contrary to Scripture. We are instructed to make our husbands number one – first on our list of priorities. It is true that our husbands should not “play second fiddle” to our children, but every faithful Christian knows that only GOD has the right to number one position (although it might well be noted that neither church nor church work is God).

Concerns with This Section

Now, my “scattered concerns.” In chapter three, Mrs. Andelin says that Tolstoi studied the teachings of “Jesus and other moralists.” One of my readers commented that Andelin’s Mormonism does not come through in the book, but this statement says otherwise. Jesus was not “a moralist,” He was – and is – God incarnate. This is not a minor detail; this is the heart of Christianity! To degrade Jesus to the level of “a moralist” is to deny the most important of all truths. Later in the same chapter, she refers to Christian doctrine “and other sound religions.” If we believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and no one comes to the Father but by Him (Jn. 14:6), we clearly cannot accept this comment.

Also in chapter three, we are given the following instruction for handling a situation where “a man does something wrong”:

At first show reluctance to believe it. Say that you thought it was impossible for a man such as he to do such a thing. If you are compelled to believe it, indicate that you know it is contrary to his true nature and was only the result of carelessness or thoughtlessness.

There are several problems with this instruction. First, “doing something wrong” is not “contrary to his true nature.” “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Rom. 3:23) In us, nothing good dwells. (Rom. 7:18) Human nature is to sin. Second, this response is less than honest (as we’ve just seen) and, therefore, manipulative. Third, it is self-righteous and arrogant. That the woman is so shocked that the man would do such a thing implies that she never would have. This does not go over well with a man – especially a typically godly one!

This arrogance is seen throughout the book, as well, as reflected in the following quote:

A man always considers a woman to be better than he and would be disappointed to see her fall from her level to his.

A woman (in general) cannot “fall to the level of” a man (in general), because she is no better than he is to begin with.

Moving on to chapter four, the author gives us a list of some ways that men demonstrate their masculinity. Most of this list is pretty accurate, but I have to take exception to the last category – how his manliness is demonstrated spiritually. While the means listed are not wrong, they are not biblically spiritual means. Biblically, spiritual masculinity would be demonstrated in those ways in which he exercises his spiritual headship in the home. (See Num. 30, 1 Cor. 11:2-16, 1 Cor. 14:34-35.) These are very significant, but are omitted because of the author’s religious background/perspective.

Several of the exercises (from multiple chapters) reinforce the self-centered manipulative purposes of the course. There is one exercise at the end of this chapter, though, that concerns me for other reasons. The reader is instructed to make a list of ten things she admires about her husband. So far, so good. She is then instructed to ask her husband to participate in an activity where each would write down ten things he admires about the other, and then to copy her list from memory. Not so good. The woman clearly has an unfair advantage here (having prepared her list ahead of time), and is likely to leave her husband feeling very “on the spot” and awkward when he is unable to think of things as readily as she seems to be able to (because of her dishonesty). This is not very respectful. It would be better to simply make the list, give it to your husband, and not expect anything in return.

In chapter five, we find the following statement:

Even when you cannot approve of what someone says, you must show appreciation for his motives or basic character.

This, again, reflects a misunderstanding of fallen humanity. The author seems to buy into the popular notion that we are all “some good and some bad.” This advice is certainly sound when it’s possible, but I cannot agree with the “must.” Sometimes a person has evil motives and lousy character, in which case we should not appreciate them. Hopefully these encounters will be rare, but we cannot succumb to the modern, relativistic notion that we have to appreciate what is ungodly. (Phil. 1:10, Eph. 5:11)

Later in the chapter, we are told that a woman cannot “pour her heart out” to her husband as she would to a girlfriend, because she might injure his pride. While we should certainly guard our tongues against unedifying speech (whether to our husbands or anyone else!), a husband and wife are one. They are to know each other intimately. A healthy relationship cannot be built where a woman withholds things from her husband – especially when she is sharing those things with others. Biblically, there is nothing to suggest that a woman should be closer to her girlfriends than to her husband.

Chapter six is the one about making a man number one.

Chapter seven offers us the following quote:

Although a man may love his wife devotedly, it is not always possible or even right for him to make her Number One, and this is because of the nature of his life. A man’s Number One responsibility is to provide the living for his family. Often his work and life away from home are so demanding that it must take priority over all else if he is to succeed. This often means that he must neglect his family in the responsibility he feels in his work. In reality, he is putting his wife and family both Number One…

This philosophy pops up again later, as well. The general sentiment is reasonable, but it is taken to an unbiblical extreme. It is a man’s responsibility to provide for his family, true, and we should appreciate the hard work and time that our husbands pour into procuring this financial provision, understanding that it is for our benefit, however, finances are not all there is to provision. If a man is neglecting his family for the sake of work, he is not providing for his family.

Money is temporary; relationships are permanent and children are eternal. Fathers are commanded to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Eph. 6:4) If a father is gone so much of the time that he is not capable of doing this, something is wrong. And many men are working overtime either out of a sense of personal fulfillment (because they simply like the work), or to buy extra “stuff” for their families, not because it necessary to work so much to provide for them sufficiently.

In chapter eight, the following instruction is offered for those situations where the man has not been the leader in his household:

First, she should read him the Scriptures which appoint him as the leader.

No, no, no! This is, in and of itself, a lack of submission. The woman who reads to the man the Scriptures about his responsibility is setting herself up as his spiritual teacher. (1 Cor. 11:2-16, 1 Tim. 2:12, 1 Pe. 3:1) (In the exercises, this gets even worse, with the author adding the instruction to, “say, ‘I believe these things are true. Do you?'”) The fact is, if a husband has not been leading, then his wife has not been following. Rather than tell him what he should be doing, she should concentrate on what she should be doing. Her comments to her husband should be more along these lines: “Honey, the Lord has been convicting me of my lack of submission. My refusal to follow you must have made it much harder for you to lead. I’m going to work hard at trying to do better. Will you forgive me?”

In chapter nine, “problems with the care of the children” is listed as a difficulty which women need to face alone – that is, something which is not worth bothering the husband about. However, the husband is the head of the home. His children are, ultimately, his responsibility and whatever authority the wife has over them is delegated to her by him. Thus, if there is a real problem involving them, he has a right to hear about it, to give his input, and to deal with it, if necessary.

Chapter ten refers to certain women as being “justified in working.” (The author is referring to outside jobs.) I am not sure that a biblical case can be made for her comments on this subject. As this is a matter of much debate and I have addressed it in other posts, I will leave it at that.

I do not point out any of this to “slam” the author, but to warn the Christian reader of dangers which some may not be able to discern on their own. There is, as I have stated, good information here; however, there is also much chaff. In all honesty, we would not need most of the information in this section if we simply a) studied the Word of God as it relates to the role of women, with a true desire to please God and b) regularly asked ourselves whether our actions indeed reflected the principles put forth in these Scriptures.

Read part three >>