My New Favorite Parenting Book

I recently finished reading Grace-Based Parenting, and I have to say that it is one of the best parenting books I’ve read in a long time – maybe ever.  It’s different, though, than you might expect.  It really isn’t about parenting methods, so much as a parenting mindset.  In fact, Dr. Kimmel points out how the very same parenting methods might work beautifully in one household and fail miserably in another, because of the different mindsets/attitudes behind them.

Motivation Over Method

Many parents – including many Christian parents – parent by primarily trying to obtain a certain type of behavior, to “look good,” or to avoid certain influences.  Having well-behaved children, “looking good” to outsiders, or avoiding certain influences are not inherently bad things, but when they are the motivations behind our parenting, we have a problem.

Dr. Kimmel instead shows how we can parent from a motivation of meeting our children’s inherent needs – and when we do so, we have significant freedom in the methods we use to accomplish the task.  In fact, I think that many other parenting books – which focus on methods – can be used effectively in tandem with this one.

Sin & Grace

Please note that “grace-based” is not a euphemism for “license.”  Sin is sin, and Dr. Kimmel is clear that sin is not to be ignored or taken lightly.  Rather, “grace-based” parenting is about imparting God’s grace to our children, in all of its many facets.  We want to teach them of God’s saving grace.  We want to demonstrate to them God’s grace to forgive when we/they fall short.  And we want to train them to walk in God’s grace for daily living.

(We must also note that many of the parenting challenges we encounter are over issues that really aren’t sin issues.  Is it a sin issue if your child wants to eat a certain thing for breakfast, dye his hair purple, or wear a dress that doesn’t match her shoes?  In certain circumstances it could be, but none of these things are inherently sinful.  Yet often, as parents, we treat them with the same severity.)

More Theoretical than Practical

The only disappointment I had with the book was that it wasn’t practical enough to help me in the day-to-day.  There are illustrations in the text, but there aren’t really examples offered specifically for application.  I understand why this is – the message of the book is one that, by nature, is in opposition to “cookie cutter” methods.  I’m sure that Dr. Kimmel doesn’t want people to take examples he offers and just copy them, expecting good results.

But, still, I have no innate parenting instincts (beyond being sure my children are physically safe and fed) and would really have benefited from seeing lots of examples of what this looks like in practice, especially with younger children.  (The majority of his illustrations are preteen/teenage issues; I have a grade schooler, a preschooler, and a toddler.)  I would also have liked to see what it looks like to train for basic obedience and respect in this context.  (Another young children vs. teenagers issue, I think.)

Still, even with the relative lack of examples, I very, very highly recommend this for every Christian parent.  Even if you think you’re doing it right, read the book!  You might be surprised at what you find.  And if not, you’ll be encouraged and can pass the book on to some younger parents who could use the help. 🙂

[UPDATE: There’s now a sequel, written by Dr. Kimmel’s adult daughter, that addresses the practical side of things.  Called Grace-Based Discipline, it’s equally excellent.]

Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Familiy FreeGrace Based Discipline: How to Be at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst

Disclosure: I received this book as a gift, as an attendee at Relevant last year. Although I’m sure Family Matters hoped that some of us would review the book, we were not asked to do so.  I just have been so impacted that I want everyone to know about this book!