Some of you may be familiar with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his books Love & Respect, The Language of Love & Respect*, Love & Respect in the Family, etc.  The basic premise of his first few books — focusing on marriage — is that women particularly need love (and men aren’t typically hard-wired to know how to show it in their “language”), while men particularly need respect (and women aren’t typically hard-wired to know how to show it).  Over the years, female readers started to realize that their sons, being male, also responded well to this “respect language,” and asking for help knowing how to properly demonstrate respect to their sons without getting their relationships topsy-turvy.

*Side note: I personally prefer The Language of Love & Respect over the original.  The first strikes me as having a manipulative tone: do this to get what you want out of your spouse.  I don’t believe it’s intentional, but that undertone is absent from the second book, and it’s more practical, to boot.  It can stand alone.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

I have to confess that my thoughts on Mother & Son: the Respect Effect are all over the place because I had some strong, unexpected reactions to the book, in an identity crisis kind of way.  I don’t think I really am the audience Dr. Eggerichs intended, so the benefit I derived from the book was very different from the intended benefit, and probably has muddled my ability to clearly communicate the benefit to the average mom.  I’m going to try my best to give you both, but I don’t know how successful I’ll be.

The difficulty I ran into is the underlying assumption that, where love (think more in terms of “affection”) and respect are concerned, women prefer love and men prefer respect.  Another way to communicate a similar concept is that women prefer to have positive feelings about themselves communicated, whereas men prefer positive thoughts about themselves.  (Note that no one is saying this preference excludes the need for the other, but that one is weighted more heavily, and more acutely felt when it’s lacking.)

The problem is, this is not absolute.  While Dr. Eggerichs does eventually acknowledge that there are exceptions to this trend, he’s quick to point out that exceptions don’t disprove the trend and get back on course.  He’s right, of course, that the exception doesn’t disprove the rule, but there are a couple of problems with that approach in this instance.  First, it isn’t as much of a rule as we like to think.  An exception is one thing when we’re talking about a percent or something — almost every situation fits a particular generalization and exceptions are rare.

That isn’t the case here.  By his own numbers, we may be looking at somewhere in the ballpark of 20%!  (The numbers vary, depending on the exact survey question that’s asked, and whether we’re looking at men or women as the exception, but they’re around 17-23%.)  I’d say that’s a bit more than the odd exception.  Which means it’s a lot of people who fall prey to issue #1: although it allows us to help the most people with the least effort, to teach to the more common trend, teaching only to the common trend leaves out those who don’t fit the mold.  Eggerichs is so busy addressing the mother who doesn’t naturally speak the language of “respect talk” that he fails to recognize that we mothers who struggle with speaking love talk aren’t being equipped at all, because it’s as if we don’t exist or don’t count.

Problem #2 lies in the context provided.  We are told in pretty unequivocal terms that God has designed men one particular way — with a given set of needs and desires/drives — and women another particular way, with a different, given set of needs and desires/drives.  And we’re told again and again how those needs and desires intertwine with the commands given to men or to women in Scripture.  Consequently, the design and the instruction are presented as so inseparable that the message received at my end is: “You’re not good enough.  Your design is perverted.  Your needs are wrong.  Your strengths are wrong.”  And at best, I’m left wondering what in the world I am supposed to be, if the things my innate desires drive me toward are not the same things that “every other woman” instinctively wants.  This is not an issue that’s limited to Dr. Eggerichs — it’s one I’ve been encountering for years — but it’s a very strong theme throughout this book.

What I Did Learn

This “mismatch” of book and reader didn’t make it useless; however, it meant that most of my major takeaways weren’t really about parenting boys!  (There were a few nuggets, in areas I hadn’t really thought about much.)  In recognizing that “respect talk” is actually my preference and “native language,” I gained a good deal of insight into myself throughout the book.  I also became aware, in reading about how most mothers struggle to connect with their sons, of how I have failed to connect with my daughters.  (This is where I really wish Eggerichs had not so quickly overlooked moms like me.  The inverse examples helped me recognize where there are gaps, but didn’t offer any instruction regarding how to correct them.)

For Most Moms

If you’re like me, you might need to be prepared for an emotional tsunami as you start into this book.  If, however, you’re the more “typical” mom, you will probably find a good deal of value in the book’s insights into your little man.  And that’s a good way to think about it — he’s a “little man.”  He’s male.  The things that make a husband tick are the things that make a son tick.  (As a rule.  Remember those exceptions and be aware they’re real!)

Most of us already know that our husbands don’t respond to conflict, or hurt or disappointment, or challenges the same way we do.  But it hasn’t occurred to most moms that our sons don’t either!  When your husband gets his feelings hurt, is his primary desire for you to cuddle him?  Most likely not.  Chances are it isn’t your son’s, either.  (Unless he’s very young.  Baby boys seem to have a high need for affection, too, and as they enter childhood, their preferred balance begins to shift.)

One thing I really appreciated about the book is that there are lots of examples.  So as a reader you aren’t guessing what he means.  There are examples offered for pretty young boys (3-4 and up) all the way up through older high school or recently-graduated sons, and the whole spectrum in between, so you can see how different things play out in scenarios relevant to boys of different ages.  He even provides word-for-word templates for things you can say, for when it’s unfamiliar territory.  (You’ll want to put them into your own words.  Especially since some of them have a bit of a pyschologist-speak sound, in my opinion. But a starting point really helps!)

And for those of you who were wondering, yes, lust and sexual development are addressed.  (Please, please take this to heart.  And possibly learn from it as a wife, too.  Please don’t take personally that which is not personal!  Our men need us to be on their team in this battle, not attacking them.)

If you find yourself thinking that sons are from Mars — you might really benefit from this book.  If you think your daughters are the aliens, it might not be such a good fit.