I see a lot of women tell other pregnant women—even in professing Christian groups—that they should make whatever birth decisions they want, even if their husband isn’t comfortable with those decisions, because, “It’s your birth! It doesn’t matter if your husband is okay with it because he’s not the one pushing out the baby!”While there is a degree of truth to the idea that your comfort is important when you’re in the middle of delivering a baby, it’s also direct rebellion against your husband, disregard for his needs, and general disrespect toward your marriage to say that he should have no say in it whatsoever and that this is an area in which you can disregard the biblical directive to submit to your husband. Your husband’s heart can’t safely trust you (Prov. 31:11) if you’re going out and doing things that you know he’s not comfortable with.

It’s important—in this area as much as in any other—to be able to work with your husband in a biblical manner to come to an agreement on how best to honor the Lord within your household.

Why Does Agreeing with My Husband Matter?

God Calls You to Submit

First and foremost, coming to an agreement with your husband matters simply because God tells you to submit to your husband. That’s true whether he comes to agree with you or whether you can’t change his mind and have to learn to agree with him. 

Your husband is the head of your household, by God’s design. In submitting to him, you model the submission of the Church to Christ, and in rebelling against him… Well, naturally, you model a rebellious Church. What sort of image do you want to paint of the Church through your marriage?

I speak primarily in this post with the expectation that you and your husband are both believers who genuinely desire to pursue God’s will for your household, but this reflection of the Church and this submission out of love for your husband are both important even when your husband is not a believer. Peter tells us that God may use your submission to win your husband to Himself (1 Pet. 3:1-2)!

It’s important to note that while I will offer some ways to “win over” your husband, submission means that you may have to accept a verdict that isn’t your favorite and trust that your husband has your best interest (and the best interests of your child) at heart, even if he believes there’s a better way to pursue those interests than the way you prefer. I’m not advocating for trying to manipulate your husband, accepting his preferences bitterly, or otherwise being “secretly” unsubmissive. What I am advocating for is the fact that God honors our efforts when we pursue His will for us, a loving and respectful marriage, and the submission that He calls us to.

Your Husband’s Job is to Provide for and Protect You (and Your Children)

If your husband is a believer, he has received the command to dwell with you in an understanding way, and the warning that if he doesn’t properly care for you, God won’t heed his prayers and he is worse than an unbeliever (1 Pet. 3:7, 1 Tim. 5:8). Those are pretty major considerations for a husband to have in the back of his mind!

It is right for your husband to be concerned for the health and safety of you and your children—and if you’re honest, you wouldn’t want him not to be. Respect and appreciate his desire for your well-being, and don’t make it difficult for him to feel confident pursuing these commands as a husband.

Don’t use these commands to manipulate him through fear, either. There’s a difference between respectfully starting a discussion and showing him why you think a different route is truly the safer one vs. using emotional manipulation and fear tactics by saying things like, “If you really value my safety you’ll do it my way!” The Enemy uses fear. We have the power of love and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7, 1 John 4:18). Start from a place of love for your husband, out of love for the Lord; allay your husband’s fears, don’t prey on them.

Submissive Wife, Supportive Husband

If your husband is anxious for your entire pregnancy and delivery over the birthing path you’ve chosen, it’s going to be a challenge for him to support you effectively through those seasons—which, if you have a loving husband, is going to cause strife and frustration for both you and him!

“Getting your way” is only so helpful if you get your husband to submit but he still doesn’t believe that “your way” is the best way to honor God’s will for your household and God’s calling for your husband to protect you (and it would sinfully reverse the roles God has called you to, anyway). For that matter, for the same reason, it’s not going to be helpful for you to “go along” with your husband’s will but hold onto bitterness in your heart, and that isn’t true submission.

If you and your husband can come to an agreement, or if you can practice true submission when necessary, you will both be happier, more relaxed, more supportive of one another, and more secure in your marriage and parenting throughout your pregnancy, the birthing process, and beyond. I cannot tell you how valuable it was to have my husband fully present and supportive for the birth of our daughter; he lent so much strength throughout the process—both emotionally and physically.

How to (Respectfully) Get on the Same Page

Be Trustworthy

Remember that verse about the virtuous wife that says her husband’s heart safely trusts her? Establishing trust with your husband before a birthing approach even becomes a question makes the whole process a lot easier.

You should already be practicing trustworthiness in your marriage. Habits of submission to your husband (in both the little things and the big things), covering faults with love, forgiving sins, encouraging your husband’s endeavors, showing yourself wise, etc. are all the practices of a trustworthy wife.

A trustworthy wife is one whose husband is eagerly willing to listen to her, whose husband trusts that she knows what she’s talking about, to whom her husband can safely entrust greater decisions. A husband is more likely to set aside his anxieties for the assurances of a trustworthy wife than for the demands of an untrustworthy wife.

Be Humble

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” – 2 Peter 5:6-7

Submission—toward God and toward our husbands—is so much harder when we’re filled with pride. Humility makes submission possible—both submission to God’s will and submission to our husband’s decisions.

Humility before men begins with humility before God. Have you surrendered your birth plan to the Lord first? Do you trust that He will work all things together for your good? Have you handed your anxieties to Him and trusted that He cares for you?

A godly husband will likewise exalt you in your humility and care for the anxieties you bring to him. Bring up your concerns with humility, trusting (again) that your husband cares for your well-being and the well-being of your children. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to hear why your husband believes another route is best. Hold your own plan loosely; ultimately, God directs your steps (James 4:13-16), and He may be using this to change your heart rather than your husband’s.

Have a Grown-Up Conversation

Respect your husband enough to wrestle through things with him; don’t hear one statement of disagreement and say, “Well, I’ll just have to do this by myself, then.” You’re one flesh, and you’re grown-ups. Act like it.

If you and your husband aren’t on the same page yet—whether you haven’t been from the beginning, or whether you thought you were but then you realized you wanted something different (been there, done that)—be mature enough to sit down and have the potentially-hard conversation. Maybe it will be hard, and you’ll really have to work at being humble and submissive and trustworthy. Or maybe you’ll realize that the conversation really wasn’t so difficult after all.

It helps if you’ve already done your research and you can be clear about why you think “your” approach is better for your family, but it can be sufficient to just let your husband know that you’re not comfortable with “his” approach and you can’t pinpoint why yet but you’re willing to work together to do the research and figure it out—whether “figuring it out” means solidifying a basis for your feelings or proving them incorrect. It’s worth it either way to have the discussion and make it known that you’re not on the same page but you want to be.

Focus on communicating well with your husband—both understanding and making yourself understood—and leave the outcome to the Lord, since it’s His anyway.

Pray

I’ve placed this last, but it’s really the most important—especially if all the others are difficult for you. Pray for humility, pray for wisdom to be a trustworthy wife, pray for eyes to see things from your husband’s perspective, pray for God to provide for your needs and desires, pray for God to change your heart and/or your husband’s to bring you both into agreement, and above all pray that you would both pursue God’s kingdom and His righteousness through the decisions you make for your household.

Don’t solely pray that God would change your husband’s mind and show him that you’re right and he’s wrong. Maybe that’s what God has in mind, but there’s a good chance you would be praying amiss (James 4:1-3), out of pride rather than a desire for the Lord’s will to be done (Matt. 6:8-10)—and it’s just as likely that God wants to change your heart to align with your husband’s or that He’ll bring about a compromise between you.

Make your desires and anxieties known to the Lord, but don’t let them be the end of your prayer.