I have been struggling lately with frustration over the fact that it seems like we are still dealing with the same issues with our children, that we dealt with when they were first old enough to act. And there is no apparent progress. In fact, I was just discussing this with my mom the other day and, later that same day, I read a blog post at Impress Your Kids about using charts to help behavior. I think we’ll have to try this (once my girls come back from their trip with Grandma to Great-Grandma’s ).
In her post, Amanda very aptly points out to us that:
The only way to combat sin in our lives is through God’s Word.
(Love the way she phrases that, so plainly and simply!) We have been working on teaching our daughters appropriate Scripture verses, but there is still a disconnect between the Scripture itself, and the day-in, day-out, moment-by-moment application of it to their weaknesses and struggles. (And Mama’s, too, for that matter.) I love Amanda’s chart idea, because this particular chart is designed to constantly reinforce the Scripture at the moment of need.
The top said, “Philippians 2:14: “Do everything without COMPLAINING or ARGUING.”
Then I made two columns on the bottom: one entitled LYDIA and the other entitled MOMMY. I told Lydia that every time she obeys the verse she gets a sticker. And even if I get onto her and she stops and obeys, she’ll get a sticker. But if she doesn’t then I get to make a mark in my section (an X, a line or a sad face).
She LOVED this idea. She was determined to get more stickers than me.
So the chart comes up every time the sin issue comes up. And every time, it reinforces the verse. Amanda’s post also implies that she and her daughter verbally repeated the verse every time the issue came up, which I think is a very important factor.
The other key factor is the temporary nature of the chart. It is designed to serve as a reminder while we work on a heart issue. It is not designed to be the primary motivator. Amanda told her daughter they would use the chart only one more day.
Why do we obey the Bible? Why do we obey this verse? For stickers? [daughter: “No.”] We obey because God wants our hearts to obey and love him. This chart and these stickers are just practice so you can really learn how to obey.
I think we’re going to try this at our house. Complaining is one issue around here, but not the biggest one. The biggest issue around here comes down to self-importance. Our verses are Philippians 2:3-4 and Romans 12:10.
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.
We’ll see how it goes.
You surely don’t want parenting advice from me, with me being a big ol’ liberal and all ;), but I thought I’d throw a book title out there for your consideration.
Relational Parenting by Ross Campbell, MD (here’s a bio of Dr. Campbell at faithfulreader.com) published in 2000 by Moody Press. His book How to Really Love Your Child is a classic of Christian parenting literature and also worth a look.
A quote from the back cover reads, “Parenting is about helping your child to eventually take responsibility for his or her own behavior.”
This is not a parenting system, but a framework for understanding how various approaches work, and when to use them. The author is particularly interested in the long-term effects of our parenting behaviors and how we disciple our children into the adults they eventually become. You can “search inside this book” at Amazon.com. I think it speaks particularly well to the questions you are asking about character development in your children.
[For whatever it’s worth, you and I probably have a lot more in common than you might guess. I have a fair amount of experience with the whole parenting thing (5 wonderfully made children ages 11-18) and 20 (this August) years of covenantal marriage with my beautiful husband. I am most passionate about scripture, theology, and the work of the church. I seek to measure everything I do by the word of God (not that I always measure up) and the testimony of the Holy Spirit. I am a book junkie and love the written word. Not to mention that I’m a supporter of home birth, extended breastfeeding, frugality, homeschooling, simple living, natural foods, alternative medicine, and even raw milk ;).]
Amy, I’m surely interested in what you recommend! You have consistently demonstrated maturity, grace, and thoughtfulness in your comments here, even when we disagree. And you’re right, that’s probably not even very often.
My husband and I say that the political spectrum from conservative to liberal is more of a horseshoe than a line, because the uber-conservative and the uber-liberal often have much more in common than, for instance, uber-conservatives and moderate conservatives! 😉
I would love to get to meet you and sit and chat face-to-face. 🙂 And I will check out that book.
BTW, I wasn’t implying that you are “uber-liberal.” I don’t know where you would place yourself on that spectrum. Just putting the image out there. 🙂
No offense taken here 🙂 When we look at Paul’s letters, he surely teaches that the church must always work toward the unity of the Body. For me, that means always looking for ways that “you” and “I” are really “us”, in the struggle against sin and death together.
Uber-something? Hmmm…I don’t know where I’d place myself on the political spectrum, really. Sometimes I can’t find a political home. I identify as an Anabaptist, theologically, and am a member of the Mennonite Brethren church. Anabaptists have always been skeptical about governmental authorities. I think the martyrdom stuff has a little to do with it :). We, historically, tend to prefer a radical separation of church and state.
At the same time we, particularly Mennonites, have a keen interest in working on behalf of the poor and opressed, that sometimes manifests in more liberal-minded political views (not in terms of more governmental control, but supporting policy, and civil protest/disobedience, that protects the poor and opressed).
That’s certainly not to say that other Christians are not interested in those things. I believe that all spirit-filled Christians are deeply concerned for the least, the lost, and the left out. We just envision the solutions in different ways. As Christians, the responsibilities of our shared citizenship in the kingdom of God always supercede those of our earthy citizenship, a truth that should engender much affection, regardless of diferences of opinion. (But now I’ve digressed into preaching).
The horseshoe analogy is a really good one. Research consistently shows that there is more variety between individuals within the same group than between different groups. And in American politics, it is really interesting, as you point out, that the distant ends of the so-called spectrum are actually very close in some interesting ways.