There is currently a discussion question on an email list I’m on: Why are pastors’ kids so bad? This is a serious issue. While, as one of the ladies on the aforementioned list pointed out, some PK’s really aren’t that bad, they’re just held to the unreasonable standard of perfection, there are far too many PK’s who are downright rebellious. Why?
I would suggest that the problem is the same one that leads to rebellious children in any home – parental neglect. In a pastor’s family, this is often compounded by the fact that the pastor neglects his children “for the sake of the church.” These children may then rebel even against the church, because of their resentment. People, there is a key problem here. A man’s children are his most important responsibility, regardless of how he makes his living. His family must come before the church, even if he is the pastor.
In fact, this is a requirement for the ministry. “A bishop then must be…one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?).” (1 Timothy 3:2,4-5) Christians, if your pastor truly does not have his household in order, he is Biblically disqualified from ministry. The best thing you could do for him is ask him to step down and take some time to concentrate on his family. Your (married) pastor is first a husband and father, and then a pastor. If you are guilty of expecting the pastor to put you first, to neglect his family for the sake of the programs and timetable of the church, repent – and ask forgiveness of the pastor for holding him to an unreasonable and unbiblical expectation.
Pastors need to be aware that in their attempt to put the church first they are, in fact, failing to serve the church. (Remember the verse? A man who is unable to rule his own family is not equipped to care for the church.) Their wives need to be aware of this, as well and, as their helpers, gently warn them when they are steering close to danger.
It is easy to think that caring for our families is not as “significant” as teaching a whole church about the Lord, but we must remember (full-time ministry families or otherwise) that discipling our children is huge.
While I agree with most of the comments from the previous authors, I disagree with the remedies for leaders whose children are unruly. I am a child of a Pastors (reject the term pk because of negative connotations) . Just as Childern of leaders in churches (because the problems reach well beyond children of Pastors) rebel so do children of CEO and accountants and laymembers and janitors etc. And just as we don’t hold those people as harshly responsible for the action of their teenage children neither should Pastors be held to such stringent fault findings. If anyone should be held responsible it should be people who stand around like Scribes & Pharisees following and looking for ways to make their lives miserable. I saw a billboard once that said “Children don’t come with manuals. We’ll that includes children of church leadership familes.
Actually, children do “come with” a manual – the Word of God. No, it doesn’t detail every situation, but it does give us basic principle which, frankly, the majority of Christians ignore.
CEO’s, accountants, etc. SHOULD be held responsible for the overall behavior of their children – ALL Christians should be held accountable for upholding their biblical responsibility, and part of that responsibility is training our children properly.
My husband is a pastor. 🙂 I am not holding ANYONE to a higher standard here that what I think that my very own family is responsible to uphold. Will we be perfect? No. And I don’t expect anyone else’s family to be perfect, either. But I am talking here about the stereotypical “PK’s” who are totally rebellious, hate the church, etc. If this is taking place, the BIBLE clearly tells us that a) the parents are to be held responsible for this, and b) the father is not qualified for ministry. This is not MY idea; it is the Word of God.
It is true that laypeople have a responsibility not to make the pastor’s life and that of his family more difficult than it has to be. In fact, I said that. 🙂 (“If you are guilty of expecting the pastor to put you first, to neglect his family for the sake of the programs and timetable of the church, repent – and ask forgiveness of the pastor for holding him to an unreasonable and unbiblical expectation.”)
I am a pastor’s kid. I myself did not rebel against the church as a teenager. However, I knew many other pastors’ kids. Each and every one of them rebelled agains God in some way. Whether it was smoking pot or drinking or having sex, they fell into a pit that could never be dug out of except through the grace of God which they denied. Why do I think this is true? I don’t think it’s one thing. You can’t say “it’s the parents fault” by itself but you also can’t say that it is the child’s. I think pastors and their kids our looked at as an example as what a christian should be. Needless to say trying to be perfect will simply mislead others who are watching you. We must always remember that everything we do affects someone else. So in the case of the church I think the family of the Pastor has a responsibility given to them by God to be an example to the community and to the congregation. Am I saying it’s easy or simple? Of course not, but being a pastor’s kid is not something that should be taken likely. I’ve heard everything from “I just want to be like everyone else” or “why do have to be the example”. As you grow up the parents are responsible for their children but there comes a point during those dreaded teenage years when you have to let go. They have to use the strengths taught them to keep them on the straight path. Sure you can say “no one’s perfect” and “pastor’s kids shouldn’t have to be”. That’s all true, but doesn’t God ask us to try? We may stumble and fall. That’s when God is there to help us. My family brought me up in a strong christian environment but never, never, did they force me to be one. I chose it. As long as choice is in the equation then it becomes part of you. It becomes personal, your own form of christianity that fits you. God loves every single one of us and never asked us to be anything but who we are. He loves who we are because he created us that way. You can quote scripture and memorize verses but in the end the only thing that counts is what you believe. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Father dieing, no one can save him but his son who till now had never understood what his father had studied and believed in. He leans over his father and the Nazi/artifact collector tells him these few words that I think we should always ask ourselves, “It’s time to ask youself what you believe”.