Training Toddlers for Church: What to Expect & How to Make it Happen

New parents of babies and toddlers — or those new to the idea of having families worship together in church — often ask what is reasonable to expect of a toddler, and/or how to train a toddler to sit through church. So let’s talk about what you can do both at church and in preparation for going to church, to help teach your children to worship respectfully with everyone else.

First, a necessary caveat: I’m going to write from the default assumption that we’re talking about neurotypical children who don’t have any health issues that would interfere. I am aware there are exceptions and assume you, reader, are also savvy enough to recognize where adjustments are necessary. I just feel like it’s more efficient to say this once than to fill every paragraph with caveats. If your child is one of those exceptional children, know that I see you and am not overlooking your struggles.

Setting Expectations for Behavior in Church

An important starting point is setting expectations. That means the child’s and yours. Your child needs to know what you expect of him in order to know what he’s aiming for. And you need to have reasonable expectations.

Reasonable doesn’t mean wishy-washy. When we set the bar too low (in anything), our children will typically rise only to that low bar. When we set the bar higher, they reach higher — to a point. But our children are also human, like us, and they’re young humans who are still learning. So what does this mean in practice?

In many churches, the only part of the service that truly calls for “sitting through it” is a 20-minute sermon, which is pretty reasonable for most older toddlers to sit through “still and quiet” — as long as the definition of “still and quiet” is not overly rigid.

I think some people hear “still and quiet” and think “sitting as though you were sitting for an early photograph” (you know, don’t move a muscle because it might blur). That isn’t a reasonable expectation of any human. “Still,” to me, at least for these purposes, means basically contained within your own personal space (e.g. not kicking someone else’s seat, climbing the furniture, etc.), and not so constantly/actively/large-scale fidgety that it’s a notable distraction to other members. (It always seems more distracting to the conscientious parent.)

Likewise with “quiet.” “Quiet” doesn’t mean, “don’t let your clothes or pages rustle, or cough, or whisper to Mom if you have to go potty.” It means don’t talk loudly, scream, beat your Bible against the wooden edge of the pew, throw books, etc.

The Church’s Expectations

church pews — Image by Milt Ritter from Pixabay

Expectations are going to depend a little on your church service, though. Some churches have longer sermons than others. It’s a lot more to ask of a child to sit through a 40-minute sermon than a 20-minute sermon, and still more to ask that they sit through an hour-long sermon. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

It’s also going to be more to ask — especially as they get older — that they sit through a sermon that sounds like a seminary lecture than a sermon from a pastor who recognizes he’s teaching a Body comprised of all ages. If the sermons at your church are not essentially accessible to a second grader (as in, maybe they don’t catch every detail, but they should understand the basic point and its relevance to them), it might be time to have a conversation with the church leadership about the purpose of the church and their expectations.

The non-sermon part of the service matters, too. In our experience, the early part of most services we’ve been is standing and singing, so there’s opportunity for movement. Our children dance (in their spaces — not spinning through the aisles or something), clap their hands, lift their hands… In other words, they’re active participants in this part of the service, so it’s not a burden to them.

If the non-sermon part of your service is not as engaging for your littles, you might need to adjust your expectations of how much of the rest of the service they can manage (because the overall time they’re expected to “just sit” is extended), or consider whether there need to be adjustments to the service itself so it is more engaging.

Practicing at Home

mother reading to toddler outdoors — Photo by Elisabeth Wales on Unsplash

Any time you sit with your child on your lap or sitting next to you is practice.

This could be during family worship, you sitting with him on your lap reading him a story, etc. You don’t have to make a big “thing” of this; it can just be an outgrowth of living life.

You can just gradually increase the length of time you spend in this manner, and periodically nudge him to last a little longer than he’s comfortable with. For instance, when he first tries to scramble down out of your lap, just hug him a little closer/tighter and cheerfully say something like, “not yet. In just a minute,” or “not yet; we’re almost done.” This helps him stretch his comfort zone for sitting without being harsh or making a big fuss about it.

It also helps to practice things like whispering. You can talk about inside vs. outside voices and library/church voices. You can practice whispering. You can even make it a game.

Practicing Outside the Home

children's section of the library — Image by Hermann Kollinger from Pixabay

Speaking of the library, that can be a great place to practice! The library, being “not home,” is likely different from home in your child’s perception. It’s a place where “quiet voices” are expected, as well as somewhat “constrained” behavior (e.g. we don’t run through the library) — and yet when you’re at the library you’re not on someone else’s schedule so you can easily walk out if necessary and not be stressed or feel like you’re missing something.

So regular visits to the library provide additional opportunities to practice “quiet space” skills that are also used at church, in a context that’s a bit less overwhelming for Mom.

When You’re At Church

You’ve set expectations, practiced sitting still and whispering, put some of these skills to the test at the library…now what?

When we’re actually in church, we prefer to use an approach that builds toward learning normal expectations of church. So, for instance, while I think it’s totally reasonable to provide a snack midway through if the stretch is too long from breakfast to lunch, we don’t let our young kids just eat throughout the service — because we don’t let our big kids eat all throughout the service, and we don’t eat all throughout the service. (Health issues aside. If there’s a health condition that warrants it, that’s different — at all ages.)

Beyond infancy, we also don’t ordinarily offer toys. We primarily offer our children a small clipboard with paper and a pen, or a small magnetic drawing board, so they can practice “taking notes.” Obviously, a toddler is not actually taking notes, but it keeps them quietly occupied with busy hands, helps them listen, and this practice naturally segues into preschoolers that draw pictures of what they’re hearing about, and then into school-age kids and teens who take actual notes.

Or, put another way, we expect our kids to participate in the church service, as early as possible, to the greatest extent possible given their respective ages and stages. We don’t just bring them because we didn’t have anything better to do with them; we bring them to worship.

When You Need to Correct

When things don’t go the way you’d hope, don’t reward the behavior you don’t want to see repeated. This may seem obvious, but one of the biggest mistakes I see parents make when it comes to training kids for church is to take them somewhere to let them play when they begin to act up.

While there might be occasions when a fidgety young one has some excess energy and going to run a quick lap to burn it off before returning to the service is in order, as a general rule, letting the kids go to the hall or nursery to play when they start to get disruptive is going to be counter-productive.

Once a child knows what’s expected, and is able to do it, if he “acts out,” take him out, discipline him, and bring him back. Or “correct” by taking him somewhere else for the remainder of the time that’s more boring. (I used to take my oldest and have her continue sitting on my lap — in the church library). You want to be teaching him that it’s in his best interests to behave the way he knows he should in church, not that if he throws a fit he can go play.

upset toddler — Photo by Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash

Use common sense here, please. If your baby is crying, he isn’t being manipulative. Figure out what he needs and takes care of it. If your toddler is getting squirrely or loudly upset and you sort out that he was thirsty, or his diaper was pinching, fix it and go back. If his energy levels really are outstripping his ability to sit, let him quickly burn some off. If he’s throwing a fit because he simply doesn’t want to be in church anymore, then it’s appropriate to teach the “you don’t throw a fit to get what you want” lesson.

Offer Grace

We’ve found this to be a pretty reliable approach. It can take some time and patience — more with some kids than others. But kids have “off” days just like the rest of us, and sometimes these are “off” Sundays. Even a child who’s largely learned all this and usually sits through the service quite well occasionally will have a bad week where you wonder if you ever actually taught him anything you thought you did.

It happens. It’s normal. Deal with it — don’t just let it go — but give him grace and give yourself grace. You haven’t failed. We’re all learning; we’re all growing, and tomorrow’s a new day.