I saw a blog post title a few weeks ago referencing this line from Proverbs 31, and it started the wheels turning in my head.
Does my husband safely trust me?
In the past, I’ve always considered this from an attitudinal perspective. That’s a good thing; don’t get me wrong. Our attitudes are important to consider, and I do think they’re important when it comes to our husbands’ ability to trust us. But it occurred to me, as I considered the phrase this time, that a certain degree of competence is required, as well.
This is hard for me to think about, because I’m not naturally a good homemaker. I don’t have that ability to multitask that’s supposedly inherent to a woman’s brain. I tend toward sensory overload when there are demands on me from every direction (as there usually are in a household with young children), and don’t process well.
I can wash a dish or scrub a toilet, but the juggling of all these things doesn’t come easily to me. And being very goal-oriented in my thinking, it drives me crazy to work every day at tasks that are never done, where there’s never an end in sight.
I’m not naturally a good mother. I love my children! And I do my best; I’m not locking them into closets or refusing to feed them or something. But I’m not nurturing by nature and I struggle to figure out what it is my children actually need. (Even as infants. “They” say that mothers come to recognize their babies’ cries for hunger vs. tiredness, etc. I always just had to go down a mental checklist, because it was never obvious to me, unless they were in pain.)
I know my children are all different, and I know that they need me to respond differently to them, but I have no idea how. We might as well all speak different languages.
But the clear implication of Proverbs 31:11 is that I need to somehow figure out how to be competent at these things. When my husband goes to work, he is trusting that I will accomplish what needs to be accomplished at home while he’s away. He trusts that we will all be fed reasonably nourishing food, that the house will be maintained, that the children will be kept safe and trained in godliness, etc. Can he safely trust that I will do these things?
My truly honest answer is that I don’t know.
What Can I Do About It?
So what can I do about it? I don’t know that, either. (Helpful, right?) There are a few things that are relatively obvious: I can work at learning skills, and I can be honest about my shortcomings so that he isn’t expecting things I can’t deliver. But there’s still an underlying “mismatch” issue that needs to be dealt with, and I’m not really sure how to close the gap. I am who I am, and I can’t really change that.
There are certain things that can (and should) be changed, of course! If I’m not very disciplined by nature, discipline is a character trait that can be developed. But I can’t just force my brain to multitask effectively if it doesn’t work that way. Or just suddenly understand my children.
Is it Just Me?
Am I the only one who wrestles with this? Have you struggled with something similar and come out on the other side?
[UPDATE Jan 2022: It might be encouraging to you, if you share this struggle, to know that I feel I’ve grown a lot in this over the past eight or nine years. And much of what I’ve learned is reflected in the posts you read here.]
In a way I am like you. I am not nurturing, I AM an excellent housekeeper if that is the only thing I need to do, but when other demands take presedence the first thing to go is the cleaning, since I surely don’t love it. I also get distracted easily, which causes me hardly ever to finish anything. I will be cleaning one room and I will find something that doesn’t belong there. I will put it where it belongs, finding something else that needs done and I move onto that, never finishing the original task. So I now go into a room with an empty hamper and all the tools I need to clean that room. the hamper will house the bedding and the items that don’t belong in there. I sometimes feel like a horrible mother since I simply can’t have fun when there are other things that need done. I will read books and cuddle and be a jungle gym, I will take hikes and nature walks and I will sit with them at the playground, but I don’t play games, I don’t often sing silly songs and dance like nobody is watching and I have the hardest time laughing at knock-knock joked that aren’t really funny
And yet, regardless of my short comings my husband trusts me, because he KNOWS that I will do anything in my power to ensure that the kids are secure. That I will do my best to make sure that all the little items are picked up so the baby won’t get them. That I will let my daughter know that she can be fierce and still be loved. That our boys will learn that love is awesome and powerful and comes with great responsibility. That it is good to be kind, that it is good to be forgiving, and that sometimes even when people leave our lives they have somehow enriched it. And he also knows that we are a team, that I love and trust him and that I give everything I am in everything I do. Even if that means I fall short sometimes. (I am currently folding what seems like 40 loads of laundry, well clearly I am procratinating that)
I think laundry multiplies in the laundry room!
Thank you for sharing, Ingrid.
Im bad at alot of things….i know im terrible at being a daughter…a sister….an aunt….a wife (i know that cause my husband left me LOL). But i know for sure that im a great mom and housekeeper and friend. I used to be great at multi-tasking before i got ill a few years ago. I try to thoroughly clean and organize one room per week and every weekend i dust and vacuum the whole apartment with the help of my son. you should try Flylady..net And when i need to do laundry my son loads and unloads the baskets of clothes for me to go to laundrymat(, cause heavy lifting is too painful nowadays) You have alot to do and its overwhelming im sure , too bad you dont have a cheerleader in your life to keep you encouraged. Everyone likes/needs a “pat on the back” or an occasional “thankyou” I thank my son every day of his life for helping me. When he takes out the trash or even cleans his room, etc i thank him. I want to show i apprecriate and repect him and that i dont take him for granted, bacause many people do not help in their own homes …too help ease the life of the homemaker. I believe its everyones home so lets all pitch in. Its nice to sometimes unexectedly find the dishes have been watched ..thats the best feeling in the world for me. I dont need monetary surprises. The best things are free. When someone takes the time to do for others without opening the wallet. Do not beat yourself up….dont you get that enough from others?